Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

I believe this particular Beer wouldn't make it without
a couple-0-fights over here... It's from Iceland

Pronounced Beer-B!tch











**********


A man tried to smuggle a puppy into the country and
avoid the quarantine laws, but accidentally drew attention
to himself as he tried to walk casually through customs.

He had put the dog down his trousers, but every time he took a step,
his whole body would shake and he kept making little moaning sounds.

"Excuse me, sir, is there anything wrong?"
inquired the customs official.

"Yes, officer,"
gasped the man in a strangled voice.
"I tried to smuggle a puppy into the country by putting it down my trousers."

"Oh, yes?"
smiled the officer knowingly.
"You've just discovered it's not house-trained, have you?"

"No,"
replied the agitated man,
"I've just discovered it's not weaned."


**********


A man and a parrot find themselves sitting next to each other on a plane.
As the stewardess comes along, the man asks for a coffee, at which point
the parrot shouts,
"Get me a brandy and be quick about it!"

A little upset by his attitude, the stewardess goes off and returns
with the brandy. but not the coffee.

"Excuse me, Miss, you've forgotten my coffee,"
the man tells her.

"Oh, sorry,"
she replies,
and is just about to go when the parrot shouts even louder,
"And get me another brandy, you incompetent cow!"

This time she's very upset but returns quickly with the brandy,
having forgotten once again to get the man's coffee.

"Maybe if I take the same attitude as this parrot, I might get results,"
he thinks to himself.

"Hey, coffee, and be quick about it, you dumb blonde!"
he shouts.

In no time at all the stewardess returns with two male colleagues
who drag both the man and the parrot from their seats and throw
them out of the emergency hatch.

As the man passes the parrot on the way down,
the bird turns to him and says,

"You know, you've got a real attitude for someone who can't fly."

[Charon]

 

   

   

[IceWizard]

[Charon]

   

   

   

[Charon]

The top 10 most savage Irish insults and what they mean
By Nicola Spendlove -May 18, 2020
The top 10 most savage Irish insults and what they mean
We love Irish insults, so to celebrate this art form we’ve compiled a list of our top 10 favourites. Take a few of these for a spin on your next trip to the Emerald Isle and earn major props.
Irish insults are peppered through the conversation of just about every local person you meet. For a newbie, these can be highly confusing – but just listen to the tone of the speaker and you’ll get a pretty good idea of what they’re trying to say.

Here are the ten most savage Irish insults and what they mean.

10. Dope – it’s not a compliment!
Dopey the Dwarf, an accurate representation of the Irish insult of Dope.
Dopey the Dwarf. Credit: Loren Javier / Flickr
If you’re from the States, the word “dope” might have positive connotations for you. If you’re wandering through the streets of Dublin and someone shouts the word “dope” in your general direction, you may be tempted to give yourself a pat on the back. Don’t.

When we Irish say “dope”, we aren’t complimenting you. Think Dopey from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves – that’s what we’re saying you are. A bit daft.


9. Dryshite – a hint that you’re no fun

Credit: commons.wikimedia.org
Irish people hate to be referred to as a dryshite. This is truly one of the worst Irish insults you can dish out, because it hits us where it hurts – in the craic.

If someone is a dryshite, they’re no fun. They’re the type of pal that leaves the session early to catch the last bus, citing an early morning or a charity 5km run the next day. Dryshites are allergic to craic, and simply incompatible with Irish culture. Save this insult for only the most desperate situations.

8. Eejit – an Irish insult for any conversation
The Irish insult Eejit is very similar to the English word 'idiot'.
Credit: JD Hancock / Flickr
This common Irish insult is more or less interchangeable with the English term “idiot”. It can be used affectionately – “Did you forget your lunch? Ah, ya big eejit.” You can also deliver eejit with a side of mild spite — “your man off the telly is some eejit”.

This word is very widely used – you can sprinkle it into most conversations and contexts in a very natural way. It’s the salt and pepper of Irish insults.

7. Geebag – maybe don’t use this one in the office
An office setting, maybe somewhere you won't want to use the Irish insult of geebag.
Credit: commons.wikimedia.org
Geebag is a little bit more bold, and maybe not one you’d use in the office – though not strictly a swear word. “Gee” is a slang word for female genitalia, and “bag” does exactly what it says on the tin.

It’s just a very gas insult that you can gift to anyone you find particularly irritating, making it one of the more simple and effective Irish insults.

6. Wreck-the-head – someone who is really annoying

A visual representation of this insult. Credit: Roy Luck / Flickr
This one is fairly self-explanatory. If someone is wrecking your head, it means they’re doing your head in – aka really, really annoying you. Younger siblings in Ireland are commonly on the receiving end of this one.




It’s not a bold word (you can use it in your workplace or in front of minors) but it’s not something you’d particularly like to be referred to as yourself.

5. Bollocks – not one for the live radio interviews

Bollocks is a slang word for testicles. This term can be used as an expletive on its own (“ah, bollocks!”) but can also be conveniently transformed into an insult that you might direct at somebody.




For example – “yer man is some bollocks”, or “get off me ya little bollocks”. It’s generally used towards men, but in this progressive society you could really use it towards whoever you want. Note of warning – this one is a little bit higher on the bold scale, and would probably be bleeped out on TV before watershed. Don’t go using it in any live radio interviews.

4. Wagon – one of our favourite Irish insults

Wagon is one of our favourite Irish insults. Just saying it releases tension. Wagon is generally used when describing a narky woman. This one is safe for work – it’s a very PG bit of slang.




You can also change up your tone and use it affectionately (“Oi, that was my doughnut, ya wagon!”), and so can be used in many circumstances.

3. Gombeen – the Irish mammy favourite
Gombeen is a favoured Irish insult for the Irish mammy to use.
Credit: Larissa Arruguetti / Flickr
This one has its roots in the Gaelic language – coming from gaimbín, meaning corrupt or crooked. This mystical sounding Irish insult is a favourite amongst country mammys – who regularly refer to their naughty brood as gombeens for such transgressions as raiding the biscuit tin.




This is a very rural expression – expect some curious glances if you use it in anything other than a thick Irish brogue.

2. Gowl – Rubberbandit fans step forward
The Rubberbandits, users of the Irish insult of 'Gowl'.
Credit: commons.wikimedia.org
Many believe that gowl has vulgar roots – the word “gabhal” means crotch in the Irish language. Colloquially, though, this Irish insult is thrown around liberally and basically just means you’re a bit of a goose.




It’s most commonly used in Limerick – if you’re a fan of the Rubberbandits you’ll already be familiar with one of the most savage Irish insults.

1. Tool – an Irish insult for any context
The face you make when someone acts a 'tool'.

Tool is one of those Irish insults that can be used in any context. Did the bus driver not stop for you? What a tool. Your boss make you stay late? Absolute tool. Yer wan off the radio with the squeaky voice? Jaysusing tool.

For the sheer versatility, tool lands the coveted number one slot on our top 10 favourite Irish insults of all time, beating off some stiff competition.

hxxps://www.meanwhileinireland.com/top-10-most-savage-irish-insults-what-they-mean/?fbclid=IwAR3WCraPXvpnb5CS14hJ_658SUx9RNFwrHKTmH5vouR3jvPGTzLHN2Fqg-c

[Charon]

No trust me, it is not funny at all. But here we go:

Funniest Quarantine Jokes
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the chicken behind it didn’t know how to socially distance properly.

Two grandmothers were bragging about their precious darlings. One of them says to the other, “Mine are so good at social distancing, they won’t even call me.”

Who’s idea was it to sing “Happy Birthday” while washing your hands? Now every time I go to the bathroom, my kids expect me to walk out with a cake.

My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.” Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

Ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.

My mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by lying in bed all day. But look at me now, ma! I’m saving the world!

After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn’t the reason.

If I keep stress-eating at this level, the buttons on my shirt will start socially distancing from each other.

Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

Yesterday I ran out of soap and body wash and all I could find was dish detergent. Then it Dawned on me.

Being quarantined with a talkative child is like having an insane parrot glued to your shoulder

I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch them with a six-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

Since we’re all in quarantine I guess we’ll be making only inside jokes from now on.

I’m not talking to myself, I’m having a parent-teacher conference.

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog–we laughed a lot.

Nothing like relaxing on the couch after a long day of being tense on the couch.

I finished Netflix today.

Pollen still coming out during a global pandemic? Bitch read the room.

– Knock knock. Who is there? Seriously, don’t touch my door and get back 6 meters to social distance.

Day 121 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”

If you bought 144 rolls of toilet paper in preparation for a 14-day quarantine, you probably should have been seeing a doctor long before coronavirus.

How did the health experts lie? They said a mask and gloves was enough to go to the grocery store. When I got there, everyone else had clothes on.

Quarantine has really put a damper on comedy. For months nobody has walked into a bar.
Funniest Coronavirus Jokes

Why do they call it the novel coronavirus? It’s a long story….

You know what they’re saying about 2020. It went viral faster than anyone thought it would.

What’s the best way to avoid touching your face? A glass of wine in each hand.

If coronavirus isn’t about beer, why do I keep seeing cases of it?

What’s the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo and Juliet? One’s the coronavirus and the other is a Verona crisis.

What do you call panic-buying of sausage and cheese in Germany? The wurst-kase scenario.

Back in my day, you would cough to cover up a fart. Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.

You know who buys up all the toilet paper? Assholes.

Nail salons, hair salons, waxing center and tanning places are closed. It’s about to get ugly out there.

Why don’t chefs find coronavirus jokes funny? They’re in bad taste.

What should you do if you don’t understand a coronavirus joke? Be patient.

The grocery stores in France look like tornadoes hit them. All that’s left is de brie.

I’ll tell you a coronavirus joke now, but you’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.

Finland just closed its borders. You know what that means. No one will be crossing the finish line.

What do you tell yourself when you wake up late for work and realize you have a fever? Self, I so late.

Still no toilet paper in the stores. They’re wiped out and you’re shit out of luck.

So many coronavirus jokes out there, it’s a pundemic.

What did the man say to the bartender? I’ll have a corona, hold the virus.

If there’s a baby boom nine months from now, what will happen in 2033? There will be a whole bunch of quaranteens.

Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind, I don’t want to spread it around.

I ran out of toilet paper and had to start using old newspapers. Times are rough.

Yeah, I have plans tonight. I’ll probably hit the living room around 8 or 9.

Why didn’t the sick guy get the joke? It flu over his head.

30 days hath September, April, June, and November, all the rest have 31, except for March which was infinite.

What types of jokes are allowed during quarantine? Inside jokes!

You know what they say: feed a cold, starve a fever, drink a corona.

What did the sick parent make their kids for lunch? Mac and sneeze.

Where do sick boats go to get healthy? The dock!

What does eating raw garlic have to do with preventing COVID-19? It helps keep everyone at a safe distance.

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Etch
Ech Who?
Bless You!

What did the astronauts say to NASA when they notified them that their mission was complete and they could return to earth? Thanks, but no thanks.

What did the barista call her face mask? A coughy filter.

During the pandemic, it’s important to take after NASA. Give people space.

Why hasn’t anyone in Antarctica contracted COVID-19? They’re so ice-o-lated.

I would make a COVID-19 joke, but it would be tasteless.


What goes great with Corona? Lyme disease.

What do all virus jokes have in common? They’re catchy.

What do you call a coffee filter mask? A coughy filter.

[IceWizard]

Just humm the Queen song while you read this

[willie33]

Hi Charon.   

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[IceWizard]

It's all in the spelling:::



Therapist = The Rapist

or

Let it snow = Le Tits Now

Just sayin...

Ice

[IceWizard]

A variety show producer is on the look-out for a new act, and one day
he happens upon a country fair when he notices a group of people huddled
around one particular stall.

As he approaches, he sees a chicken dancing up and down on an old ceramic pot.

The audience are obviously enjoying the act, so the producer asks the
man if the chicken is for sale.

After a lot of hard bargaining, they eventually decide on a sum of $2,500 and
the producer goes off happily, with the chicken and the pot safely under his arm.

However, two days later he storms back, furious.
"You double-crossing b*stard!" yells the producer.
"You tricked me, that chicken hasn't danced a step since  I bought him."


"Mmm," mused the man, thoughtfully.
"Did you light the candle under the pot?"


**********



A man is feeling poorly, so he goes to his doctor.

After numerous tests the doc says, “I’m sorry, but you have an incurable condition
and there is nothing more I can do for you.”

The man pleads with the doctor to suggest anything he might do to improve
his condition, and the doctor then suggests that he go to the spa
and take a daily mud bath.

“Is there any hope of a cure?”
the man asks.

“No,” says the doctor,
“but it will help you get used to dirt.”



**********




Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother was putting cold cream on her face.

"Why are you rubbing that cream on you face, mummy?"
he asked.

"To stay pretty for daddy,"
said his mother.

A few minutes later,  she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter mummy?"
asked Little Johnny.
"Giving up?"


**********




I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and
the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me,

"Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!"

The man replied,
"How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company."

The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and
announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.

Mr. Smith stood up and said,
"Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave.
When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked,
"I think I need a breath of fresh air."
The man continued,
"I work for 7-UP."


Reckon they are all happy
they didn't work for the 7 - 11