Humorous Smilies

[willie33]

Funny, guys and gals... 

[IceWizard]

Kinda looks like the "wine" isle ...

Me either Ms Willie .... Me either

Ice

[willie33]

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[IceWizard]

The old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries,
dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip and then set the
cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them
kept looking over and whispering.

You could tell they were thinking

"That poor old couple - all they can afford is one
meal for the two of them".

As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table.
He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old
man said they were just fine -

they were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking
turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy
another meal for them.

This time the old woman said "No, thank you,
we are used to
sharing everything".

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin,
the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a
single bite of food and asked

"What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered:
"THE TEETH".

****************************************


A young couple was touring southern Florida on their honeymoon and
stopped at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road.

After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man
that handled the snakes.

"Wow!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job.
Do you ever get bitten?"

"Yes, upon rare occasions" answered the handler.

"Well" she continued "just what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?"

"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten,
I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then
suck the poison from the wound".

"What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally sit
on a rattler?" persisted the woman.

"Ma'am" answered the snake handler
"That will be the day I learn who my real friends are".


****************************************************

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a
little wine and good food.

She goes Tuesday's, I go Friday's.


***************************************************


A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers.

He says "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American
dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back".

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the
Texan on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses,
drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says,
"If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that
30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies,
"Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street
to see if I could do it first".


**************************************************

During a recent power outage my PC, Laptop, TV, DVD, IPAD,
and a new surround sound system were all shut down.

Also, my cell phone battery was dead. To make matters worse it was
raining and I couldn't play golf.

So I go to the kitchen to make coffee,
OOPS, the coffee maker requires power!

So I sit down and talked to my wife for a couple of hours.
You know, she seems like a nice person.



*******************************************

Even with a thousand games, dolls and crafts to choose from,
my customer at the toy store still couldn’t find a thing for her grandson.

"Maybe a video or something educational?" I asked.

"No, that’s not it," she said.

We wandered the aisles until something caught her eye,
a laser gun with flashing lights and 15 different high-pitched sounds.

"This is perfect," she said, beaming.
"My daughter-in-law will hate it."


*******************************************

I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection.
The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the
computer password.

“Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.

We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work.

So we called the wife in.

As she input the password, she muttered,
“I really don’t know what’s so difficult about
typing Start123.”

[Charon]

awesome Ice. U can get me to laugh. And i thank you.

[Charon]

   

[willie33]

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[willie33]

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'
The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars! '
'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'
'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'
'No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!'
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds
the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH ! Something whips by him going much faster!
'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'
The old man whispers,
'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror’

[IceWizard]

That is Hilarious!!!!

Thanks for the laughs

[Charon]