Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

Billy's Dad is a Fudge Packer






Bird & MacDonald - World's Dirtiest Song

[IceWizard]

I went to the corner shop today...
and Bought four corners.

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One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole.

He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head,
and the golf ball lying right beside him.

"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square.
I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I"m just glad I didn"t hurt you too badly,"
and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy,
and he did catch me,so I have to do something for him.
I'll give him the three things that I would want.
First I'll give him unlimited money,
then a great golf game,
and finally a great sex life."

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same
golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole.

He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball.
When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"

The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."

The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your
money is holding out?"

The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my
hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note."

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask
how your sex life is?"

The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says,
"Well, maybe once or twice a week."

The leprechaun is floored and stammers,
"Once or twice a week?!"

The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says,
"Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

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One particular Christmas season a long time ago Santa was ready for his Christmas run...
but there were problems. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce
the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer,
he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped
the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag
fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a
cup of coffee and a shot of whisky. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered
that the elves had hid the bottle and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration,
he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces
all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door
and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa.
Isn't it just a lovely day?
I have a beautiful tree for you.
Isn't it just a lovely tree?
Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

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A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarettes.
He pulls one out and starts smoking it.

The cashier says "Excuse me sir, but you can't smoke in here".

The guy says "Don't you think it's kinda dumb that I buy them here
but can't smoke them here?"

And the cashier replies "Not at all...
We also sell condoms here".

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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom?

Because the P is silent.

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The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier,
"I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning."

"Thank you very much, sir." he replied.

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A sprightly 101-year-old cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor
that the secret of living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his wife's
oatmeal each morning.

He did this religiously and she lived to the ripe old age of 103.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great grandchildren,
five great-great grandchildren...

And a 40-foot HOLE where the crematorium used to be.

[Roses]

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[willie33]

Good funnies! 

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[IceWizard]

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas.
Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"

"I'm out of gas" the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.

Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank.
Ater a few minutes, the bees flew out.

"Try it now" said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.

"Wow!" the man exclaimed "what did you put in my gas tank"?

The bee answered "BP!"

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A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery.
Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.

A passer-by remarked "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman?

"Oh, he still is" remarked one of the mourners.
As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife".

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A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said

"Here put these on".

She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your pants" she said.

"That's right!" said the husband "and don't you forget it.
I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped him her panties and said

"Try these on".

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

He said "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"

She said "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude!!"

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Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.
Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, 

he asked his son if he got a part.

Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part.

"I play a man who's been married for twenty years".

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it

they'll be giving you a speaking part".

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A man is sitting on a railway carriage staring intently at the guy across from him.

"Hey" says the guy "why are you staring at me?"

"Whether you believe it or not" says Bob "you are the spitting image of my mother-in-law.
Except for the mustache".

"I don't have a mustache" says the guy. 

"No, but my mother-in-law does".

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My wife texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked
"Does my butt look big in this dress?"

I texted back "NOO!"

My phone auto-corrected my response to "MOO!"

Please send HELP.

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I tried to put the ole spark back in my first relationship by taking my

wife on a fancy getaway.. She was an animal lover, so I figured that Colorado

had some she hasn't seen up close.

She said, " Where will we stay?"

I said, "In one of those fancy hotels."

So off we went.. On the way up there, I got lost, so she whipped out the map.

As she was blurting out directions, I saw a baby skunk on the roadside standing in the snow.

Hoping that she hadn't see it, I kept driving.

But she did and made me turn around to rescue the animal.

"It's freezing!" she said and put it in the floorboard and cranked
up the heater..

After awhile, she said, "It's still shivering from the cold!"

So I told her, "Just put it between your legs, it's really warm there."

She said, "But it stinks!"

I said, "Then just hold it's little nose!"

And that's how the fight started

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[willie33]

  funny

[willie33]

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[IceWizard]

Fix The Outhouse

Ma was in the kitchen fiddlin around when she hollars out...
"Pa you need to fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, " There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is now git out there and fix it."

So... Pa mosies out to the outhouse, look's around and yell's back,
"There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies "Stick your head in the hole!"

Pa yell's back "I ain't sticking my head in that hole!"

Ma says "Ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, pa sticks his head in the hole and looks around and yells back,
"Ma there ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollars back, " Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the Toilet Seat!"

To which Ma replies "Hurt's , Don't it?

 


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Did you folks hear about the people of Pisa are going to have a clock
installed in the leaning Tower of Pisa?



They say there isn't much point in having an inclination,
if you don't have the time.

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"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that
they have to be identified by their dental records.

What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are,
how do they know who your dentist is?"


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I went shopping with the wife the other day, when she got into an argument with another couple.
She berated the other woman for cutting her off in the queue.

Before I could do anything, she suddenly smacked the other woman across the face with a frozen piece of fish.

The husband turned to me and said,
"Good grief! Don't just stand there, your wife has obviously lost her damn mind!"

To which I answered nonchalantly,
"It wouldn't surprise me, considering she gives me a piece of it almost daily".

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While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.

One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one,
but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem.

She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier was surprised, so the nun said,
"This is for washing our hair".

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter
and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

She said, "The curlers are on me".


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A nun was sitting at the airport waiting for her flight to Chicago.
She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune
and thought to herself, "I'll give it a try and see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in,
out came a card that read::

"You are a nun, you weigh 60 kilos, and you are going to Chicago".

The nun sat back down.

She told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone.
The more she thought about it the more curious she got so she decided to try it again.
She went back to the machine and again put her nickel in, and out came a card that read::

"You are a nun, you weigh 60 kilos, you are going to Chicago and
you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun says to herself, "I know that is wrong, I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life".

She sat back down.

From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case
on the seat between them.
Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out the fiddle,
and started playing beautiful music!

Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking,

"This is incredible, I've got to try this again!"

Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out.
It read::

"You are a nun, you weigh 60 kilos, you are going to Chicago and
you are going to break wind!"

Now she knows the machine is wrong, as she thought to herself
"I've never broken wind in public a single time in my life."

But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep
herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.

Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine.

She said to herself, "This is truly remarkable. I've got to try this again."

She went back to the machine, put in another nickel and another card came out.

It read::

"You are a nun, you weigh 60 kilos, you have fiddled and farted
around and missed your flight to Chicago".

[Roses]

Those are great Ice

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[IceWizard]

Roses...
That is the beautiful truth ...

I accidentally gave my girlfriend super glue instead of lip balm,
now she won't talk to me

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During a flight an experienced Marine Pilot was seated next to a young mother
with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing,
the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly
offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude,

The Pilot responded "That's a good-looking baby and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said
that the time spent on the breast would help
alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true Pilot fashion exclaimed,
"And all these years, I've been chewing gum".


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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies "A minute".

Smith asks "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies "A penny".

Smith asks "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies "In a minute".

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Sherry, the gorgeous blonde secretary, walked into her boss's office and said,
"I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you".

"Sherry honey, why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained.
"Tell me some good news for once!"

"Alright, here's some good news" said the secretary
"You're not sterile".