Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

HOW TO GET TO HEAVEN IRISH STYLE
(A true Story from an Irish Sunday School
Teacher)

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday
school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the grass, tended the garden and kept
everything tidy, would that get me into
heaven?"

Again, the answer was NO!

"If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, they all answered NO!

Well I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"


A little boy shouted out, "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD."

It's a curious race, the Irish. Brings a tear to
the eye, doesn't it?

---

And they say romance is dead

A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided
one day that she'd send her husband a text
while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

She texted:
My love,
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of
guy, texted back:

I'm havin a sh!t. Please advise.

Isn't love just beautiful....

---

DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!!!

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the
urologist for a prostate exam.

Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk, I
noticed that the receptionist was a large
unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo
wrestler.

I gave her my name.

After checking the appointment calendar, in
a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT
IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?!"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.

But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an
equally loud voice replied,

"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!!"

The room erupted in applause!

---

A man thing I guess?


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Magic Moments

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My Dog Food Diet ...

I have 2 dogs

---

My Dog Food Diet ...

I have 2 dogs and I was buying a large bag of
Purina in Walmart and was standing in the line at the register.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting
The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital
last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically
everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy
who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the
hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the dog food.

I told her no ...

It was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart
attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid people.........

Why else would I buy dog food??