Oh What A Mess

[Rafterman]

good evening all...

Just thought I would post an update..

There are good days, bad days and just horrible days.

When a mother looses her only child what can be said? What can be done?

We can keep her in a pretty good state of mind as long as we keep her busy. It's still the time alone that she has to spend as none of us can be with her 24/7. She gets by herself and that's when her mind just starts to run wild. I was told these are called "racing thoughts".

She has been making use of her antibuse but not on the regular every day basis that she needs to be. She has fallen off the wagon a few times since I last posted.

She is still going to Psychologist but honestly what can he say either. Just things we already know

I try to understand but how does one understand a mother loosing her son. IMPOSSIBLE!!!

He had passed away last October and up until this point she has wanted to keep his room exactly as it is even going so far as still smelling his cloths.

Now here's where I need advice.

I do not think this is healthy at all as all it is to me is an anchor holding her back from being able to move forward. This Saturday we are planning on finally cleaning out his room with respect. I have arranged to have several family members and close friends that have all offered to come over and help out with this awful task.

When we start I know she is going to breakdown right away and possibly even demand we not do it.

I have re assured her we will go through everything respectfully and box things up for future memories except for a few things this young man had that I think should be on a mantle or something to honor him.

I'd really like ANY feedback as it has only been 4 months (seems like yesterday) but how long can you go on like this without moving forward.

Thanks for any advice in advance

Peace All

Fury

HI Fury,
What did the psychologist say about the idea of cleaning out his room? The reason I would be curious to know is that he has a better handle on this particular case. In my opinion, I wouldn't move forward with that right now. I know that it has been 4 months, but it's impossible to put a specific time limit on such a thing. For some people, it can take a month and for some it could take years. It doesn't necessarily mean they're there can't be forward progress until you clean out that room. What she is working on doing right now is compartmentalizing what happened and trying to live along side it. That is the hardest task in the world. While she is busy doing that, she is making forward progress even though it might not seem that way. She still gets a sense of comfort in the fact that his personal effects still exist in their original setting. Some people who lose a loved one are comforted buy things like that, and some of mortified. If she is gaining comfort from that, I see no reason to stop her from indulging in it right now, as you gauge her progress with the compartmentalization of the tragedy. It may seem like it's been a long time, but to her this action might seem like the "band-aid" approach. Has her psychologist engaged her in group therapy with others who have had a similar loss? Maybe let her talk with someone who has successfully compartmentalised the same kind of tragedy? When she gets ready to have the room cleaned out, the best possible people to be with her would be people who have gone through something similar. That really helps quite a bit. But as you say, how does someone ever really get over this? They don't. They make a decision to live with it and to go on, but only they will know when they take a big step like you were talking about. Granted, if she isn't making any progress many months down the road, you may want to consider the issue again. But unless she is the one who comes to you asking to initiate this clean out, I would hold back for right now. Again, I would be curious to know what her psychologist thinks. Please post back. Warm regards, RM