What are you afraid of? Sharing your phobia(s) will help others!

[Rafterman]

I'm fearfully of being trappedand humiliated,speaking in front of others is a close second and has the same feel,I'm trapped,they expect a,b,c from me,,I've been forced to do such leadership things and I can do it..if it's laid back and like everyone is sitting,but me going to front of room and standing doing  it alone,,not projector or script to hide behind..if i do have those helpfull things and the audiencedoes engage it's not bad,can have a good dicussion...but on item one I trace it back to my father's favorite saying,What the he'll is wrong with you,and a group of boys who used to corner me and trap me,held me down and punched me over and over,I was so afraid and hid in restrooms or wherever to avoid them..They have since apologized to me and are friends on facebook.i did not reveal the serious impact it has had on my life and the way it has impacted all relationships.i did have a abusive boyfriend once and I ran away to another state,Cali. To Colo. With only a suitcase,only to find him in my home grabbed me and pulled my hair I fought,and screamed and he had a knife,and had driven all the way to other state....he also tried drowning me in front of a bunch of kids when  I was about 18......not afraid of swimming,sometimes get panic in large natural water with wind and waves but Ocean, I can float to rythym and dive under waves....it's nice..anyway the screaming drew attention and a man broke I to the house and the ex bf was arrested  and taken to jail,then extradited to  Cali. For some other thing.....he left his car in front of my house for 6wks till city towering away..I think that's some of it

Wow, Justice, I am sorry to hear all this. What you are describing is actually more common than you may think. The negative fallout of bullying at a young age later reinforced by untoward experiences as an adult. Very common too for bullies to later cozy up to their victim. For them, doing that is often only about trying to assuage their own consciences. It sounds to be like you have an equally balanced group of reasonable and unreasonable fears. Are you working with somebody on this? Cognitive therapy can unravel and repair much. The primary thing that has to register with you is that you are not to blame for any of what happened to you. Being bullied, having a overly critical parent, and the like, are great destroyers of self-esteem. After that is lowered, you are open to all kinds of unconstructive thoughts. Its a real downward spiral. You can't undo what's already been done, but you can (over time) undo your thinking surrounding what has been done. A victim is just that...a victim. You haven't done anything wrong. Your mind reasons that if you were somehow better, these things would not have happened to you. A counselor would help you understand the mentality of a bully, as well as how the criminal mind functions. You will see that the problem lies with them and not with you. I know these sound like just words, but they are really true. You can come out the other side of this actually feeling sorry for those who have hurt you. You will see how pathetic that they really are. RM