Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

I made a New Year resolution to lose 20 pounds !
Only 24 pounds to go !



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A kid tells his teacher,
"You only teach useless crap!"

She replies,
"Don't be so hard on yourself."


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What rock group has four men that can't sing?
Mount Rushmore.


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My girlfriend poked me in the eyes...

So unfortunately,
I stopped seeing her for a while.



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My wife asked me to remind her to get ice cream
for a pie we had on the way home

I immediately bellowed,
"REMEMBERRRRRR THE AALLAMOOODE !"


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My nephew asked,
"All boxers are gay"

I  said,
"No... Why?"

He said,
"Because they're all fighting for
a belt and a purse!"


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A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.
They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl’s mom says,
“Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, please, Mom!”
says the daughter.

“If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing
500 hours of community service?”



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Why did the partially blind man fall into the well?

Because he could not see that well.



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Sergeant,
"Private, I didn't see you at today's camouflage training!"

Private.
"Thank you, sir!"


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I got carded at a liquor store,
and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out.
The cashier said never mind.



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Man walks into the house with goat
under his arm and says,
"This is the pig I've been humping all these years".

Woman says,
"That's not a pig it's a goat!".

"I was talking to the goat!"
says the man.



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Father walks in on son and exclaims,
"Whoa wait... don't do that you'll go blind".

The Son said,
"Dad I'm over here"...



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Where did the kittens go on their school trip?
A mewsuem.



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The oldest computer was owned by Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with very limited memory.
Just 1 byte and everything crashed!



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I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday...

He said that it was the most violent book he'd ever read.



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A beautiful girl walks up to me in a rain storm...

"Give it to me! Give it to me!"
she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted,
but I was keeping the umbrella.