Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

Insults, Funny Sayings, Words of Wisdom?



Being cremated is my last hope for a smokin' hot body.

I'd grow my own food if I could only find bacon seeds.

First rule of cleaning:
While listening to music,
the toilet brush is never the microphone ... NEVER !!!

If I'm ever on life support, unplug me.
Then plug me back in. See if that works.

When women get to a certain age they start accumulating cats.
This is known as "many paws".

Telling a woman to calm down works about as well
as trying to baptize a cat.

I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today ...
that's 7 years in a row.

Some days the supply of curse words is
insufficient to meet my demands.

I can explain it to you but I can't understand it for you.

I'm going to stop asking
"How dumb can you get."
People seem to take it as a challenge.

If I say I will do it, I WILL DO IT !!!
There's no need to remind me every 6 months.

You know that little thing inside your head that keeps
you from saying things you shouldn't?
Yeah, I don't have one of those.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say
"Hey look ... that one is shaped like an idiot."

I can't play stupid with you,
you're too good at it.

Tomorrow:
A mythical land where I get all my stuff done.

And yet, despite the look on my face you're still talking.

Crazy is like diarrhea,
you can only hold it in for so long.

I am who I am ...
your approval is not necessary.

In order to insult me,
I must first value your opinion ...
nice try though.

Exercise?
I thought you said EXTRA FRIES.

I'm more confused than a chameleon in a bag of skittles.

Saving one cat will not change the world,
but for that cat ... the world will change forever.

I can't be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.

Remember back when Sarah Palin was the
craziest person in politics? GOOD TIMES!!!

Never laugh at your wife's choices ...
Remember you are one of them.

I would like to thank my middle finger for
always sticking up for me when I needed it.

Go braless ...
it will pull the wrinkles out of your face.

After Monday and Tuesday,
even the calendar says W.T.F.

You call them swear words,
I call them sentence enhancers.

Sorry I'm late ... I didn't want to come.

Fun fact:
alcohol increases the size of the send button by 86%.

What's a home without a cat?
It's just a house - And who wants that?