Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

Cop gave me a ticket for doing fifteen over the limit.
I didn't know radar guns could measure beers.



*****



Democrats are s3xier than Republicans?

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"Is it true that Democrats are generally considered
to be more attractive than Republicans?"

He asks the bartender.

"Well, have you every heard of a
hot piece of elephant?"
the bartender responds.



*****



I ordered two large fries at McDonald's
The idiots gave me 86 tiny ones!



*****



I refused to believe my dad was
stealing from his job at the highway department

But when I got home...
All the signs were there.



*****



Little Johnny failed fourth grade so badly
that the school put him in third grade

He failed third grade even worse
they had to put him in second grade.

Upon hearing the news that he
failed second grade even more spectacularly
and had to be demoted to first grade,
his dad whispered to Johnny's mom:
Tighten your underwear, he is coming back !!



*****



I was digging in our garden and
found a chest full of gold coins!
I wanted to run straight home
to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why
I was digging in our garden.



*****



I got fired from my job at the suicide hotline
Apparently they aren't familiar
with the reverse psychology approach



*****



I give my wife with a
solid 9 inches everyday

3 inches in the morning
3 inches in the afternoon
3 inches in the evening



*****



Where do the fish keep their money?
In the river bank



*****



There are only two types of hair:
public hair and pubic hair.

But that's one L of a difference.



*****



What did the river say when
it saw beavers approaching?

Well I'll be dammed...



*****



Tom, the serial flasher,
was going to retire
But he decided to
stick it out for another year.



*****



I told my kid to not open the door for
anyone while I’m not home

Now I’m stuck outside


*****

Once me and my first wife were
really into a love making session,
when she whispered in my ear,

"Turn out the light and put it in my rear."

I guess I should have let it
cool down a little first