Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

A Few Things You Won't EVER Hear In Texas

Duct tape won’t fix that.

Actually, I’ll have a Heineken.

We don’t keep firearms in this house.

You can’t feed that to the dog.

I thought Graceland was a bit tacky.

No kids in the back of the pickup,
it’s just not safe.

Honey, did you mail that donation
to Greenpeace?

Oh, I just couldn’t.
She’s only sixteen.

We’re vegetarians.

Do you think my gut is too big?

Honey, we don’t need another dog.

Spitting is such a vile habit.

Trim the fat off that steak.

No more for me,
I’m driving tonight.




**********

Heaven & Hell
vs Texans




Gabriel came to the Lord and said:
"I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here in
heaven who are causing problems.
They’re swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing,
their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they insist
on wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats
instead of their halos, and
they refuse to keep the stairway to heaven clean – there
are watermelon seeds all over the place!"

The Lord said,
"I made them special, Gabriel.
Heaven is home to all my children.
If you want to know
about real problems, let’s call the Devil."

So they phoned down to hell,
and asked the Devil what sort of problems
he was experiencing.

"Hang on a second, will you,"
said the Devil.
"I have to sort something out."

They heard shouting in the background.

When the Devil returned to the phone, he groaned,
"You’ll never believe the day I’m having!
Those damn Texans have put out the fire and
are trying to install air conditioning!"



**********

At The Bar


Three insurance salesmen are having drinks and
boasting about each company’s service.

The first one says,
“When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday,
we got the news that evening and were able to process the
claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening.”

The second one says,
“When one of our insured died without warning on Monday,
we learned of it in two hours and were able to
hand-deliver a check the same evening.”

The last salesman says,
“That’s nothing.
Our office is on the twentieth floor in the Sears Tower.
One of our insured, who was washing a window on
the eighty-fifth floor, slipped and fell.
We handed him his check as he passed our floor.”