Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

Greeting Cards Rejected By Hallmark !


I heard you had herpes . . .
and I feel terrible . . .
I’d say ‘Get well soon’ . . .
but I know it’s incurable.


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Heard your wife left you . . .
How upset you must be . . .
Don’t fret about your wife though . . .
She’s moving in with me.


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Happy vasectomy! . . .
Hope you feel zippy . . .
Cause when I got one . . .
I got real snippy.


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You’ve announced that you’re gay . .
Won’t that be a laugh . .
When they find out...
You’re one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

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This feels so good . . .
It feels so right . . .
I just wish it wasn’t. . .
$250 a night.


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So you lost your job . . .
It’s one of those hardships in life . . .
Next time, work harder
And don’t shag the boss’s wife.


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If you think that hickey . . .
Looks like a blister . . .
Check out the one . . .
I gave to your sister.


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My tIre was thumping . . .
I thought it was flat . . .
When I looked at the tIre . . .
I found your cat . . .

Sorry!


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You had your bladder removed....
And you're on the mends....
Here's a bouquet of flowers...
And a box of Depends. 

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You totaled your car...
And can't remember why...
Could it have been...
That case of Bud Dry?


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A motorist stopped at a country ford and asked an Irishman
sitting nearby how deep the water was.

"A couple of inches,"
replied the Irishman.

So the motorist drove into the ford and his car promptly
disappeared beneath the surface, in a cauldron of bubbles.

"That’s odd,"
thought the Irishman.
"The water only goes halfway up on those ducks."


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Three old ladies, Gertrude, Maude and Tilly,
were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation.
When suddenly, a handsome young man dressed only in a
trench coat approached them from across the park.

He was holding his coat together with his hands and didn't
seem to be wearing anything underneath it.

The young man came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them
and opened his trench coat in one quick motion.

Gertrude immediately had stroke.
Maude also had a stroke.
But Tilly, couldn't quite reach that far.


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Signs You Might Be Canadian:


You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

You know that the four seasons mean:
almost winter, winter, still winter, and
road construction/repairs.

You own five pairs of hockey skates and
only one pair of shoes.

You say ‘no big deal’ to a sidewalk cyclist
who’s just knocked you down.

You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and
a flannel nightdress with only eight buttons.

You dismiss all beers under six per cent as
‘for children and the elderly’, (and visiting Americans.)

You get excited whenever a US TV show mentions Canada.

You find Kentucky Fried Chicken ‘a bit bland without
adding your own 'touch'...but not too spicy’.

You think driving is better in winter because
the potholes are filled with snow.

You have ten favorite recipes for moose, venison,
and caribou meat.

You say,
‘Sure it’s 33 below,
but it’s a dry cold.


The above is just a sample for true Western Canadians....

Easterner Canadians, think hunting, for example,
means spending an hour or more in the
Meat Department in the local stores.