Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

Little Johnny walks into an Australian school one day to find a
substitute in place of his regular teacher.

She says,
"Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it
has an "r" after the first letter."

The entire class says,
"Hello Mrs. Prussy."

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to
his desk the teacher asks what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher,
"I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

"That's right!"
she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says,
"Mrs. Crunt?"



**********

For a man who spent so much of his youth in the nest,
having to build one came as a bit of a shock.

As newly-weds, he and Marjorie had their first house, a back-to-back,
in Gas House Lane.

Mind you, decorating wasn’t his forte,
he thought D.I.Y. stood for “Drink It Yourself”.

He was a poor handyman,
he got the putty mixed up with the Vaseline and his windows fell out.

After only six months,
Johnny and Marjorie’s bedroom fluttered and echoed to the delightful
patter of tiny feet.
Well, he had to have somewhere to keep the pigeons
after the loft blew down!

Johnny was eventually arrested for being a Peeping Tom.

This was due to his complete misunderstanding of the meaning
of 'Neighborhood Watch'.


**********


A man returns from an overseas trip feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the
hospital to undergo a barrage of tests.

A man wakes up after his tests in a private room at the hospital.
The phone by his bed rings.

“Hello. This is your doctor. We have received the results from your tests.
We’ve found you have an extremely contagious virus.”

“Oh, no!”
cried the man.
“What are you going to do?”

“Well,”
said the doctor,
“We’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.”

“And that will cure me?”
asked the man.

The doctor replied,
“Well, no, but it’s the only food we can slide under the door.”


**********


I’m half-Irish and half-Scottish which means
I like to get really drunk and wear a skirt.

**********


What do you call an Aussie with 100 girlfriends?
A sheep rancher.

**********


What do you call an Aussie in the finals of the World Cup?
A referee.

**********


An Aussie said,
“Take away your snow capped mountains, culture, and good food, and
what would New Zealand be?”

The kiwi answered,
“Australia”.

**********


Why is Australia such a dry country?
We don’t have a king or queen to reign on it.

**********



Two Aussie politicians go out to lunch together.

In the middle of lunch one of them jumps up and says,
"Bugger. I forgot to lock the office safe before we left."

The other politician replies
"No worries. We're both here."


**********


A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband, Walter Smith.

Saint Peter said,
"We have five million Walter Smiths. Give us a little clue."

The woman said,
"My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that if I ever
slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave."

Saint Peter motioned an angel forward.
"Take her to Spinning Walter!"


**********



“Boys,”
said the judge sternly,
“I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency.
Now I want each of you to tell me your name and
what you were doing wrong.”

“My name is George,”
said the first boy,
“and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen.”

“My name is Larry,”
said the second boy,
“and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen.”

“My name is Mike,”
said the third boy,
“and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen.”

“My name is Peanuts,”
said the fourth boy.


**********


Three Aussies were out hiking, and stop for a rest in the
Yorkshire Dales and, looking over into an adjoining field, they see some sheep.

"Hey, I think that sheep's smiling at you,"
jokes one of them.
"I wish it was Cindy Crawford."

The second says,
"I wish it was Sharon Stone."

"I wish it was dark,"
Whispers the third


A truck driver walked into a transport café and looked at the menu which read,

"Leg of pork, bacon, black pudding, pigs trotters and pork sausage."

He ordered his meal and also asked for a glass of water.

"Certainly, sir,"
replied the owner,
"It'll be water from the bore."

"Bloody hell!"
exclaimed the trucker.
"Don't waste any of that pig, do you?"



**********


The Doctor Is IN



I am a doctor but people don’t believe me anymore.

The other day I had this young lady in the office and I said, “May I recommend that I perform

a pap smear and a breast exam immediately?”

And she said, “Is that really necessary?”

I said, “Who’s the chiropractor here, me or you?”


**********



A man goes to the doctor for some medicine and when he gets there
the doctor tells him that he has to take it rectally,
because if he takes it by mouth he’ll vomit it up.



The man asks the doctor to insert the first dose,
since he’s unfamiliar with the procedure.

So the doctor sticks the suppository in and the man yells,
“OW!”

The doctor nods sympathetically and advises the man that it is
natural for this procedure to cause a little pain.

The next day, the man’s wife inserts the medicine for him
and, as she puts it in, he screams at the top of his lungs
and lunges forward.

She is taken by surprise, as she has inserted the suppository very gently.

He says,
“When the doctor put it in, he had
both hands on my shoulders !”


**********


My Daily Regimen....
Simple, Yet Complete...

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out.

So I listed the exercises I do every day:

Jump to conclusions,
Climb the walls,
Drag my heels,
'Push my luck',
Make mountains out of molehills,
Bend over backward,
Run around in circles,
Put my foot in my mouth, (see Cardio)
Go over the edge,
and,
Beat around the bush a lot.


**********


Also, Running is excellent for Cardio. 
I have found I do my best early in the day,
right after telling my wife that new dress she s
pent hours choosing, makes her look 'chubby' !