05-15-2020, 04:21 PM
St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight.
It reaches the green.
Jesus is up next.
He slices it.
It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street.
Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and
into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a Lilly pad
at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth.
An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog.
As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball.
It’s in the hole.
Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated.
'Are you gonna play golf?' he asks
'Or are you just gonna fool around?'
*****************************
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence:
he’s allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask
for his two words.
'Cold floors,' he says.
They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.
They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throats and says,
'Bad food.'
They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.
They bring him in for his two words.
'I quit,' he says.
'That’s not surprising,' the elders say.
'You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.'
*****************************
There was a man who couldn’t stand his wife’s cat.
So, one day, he decided to get rid of him by dumping
him a long way away from the house.
He put the cat in the car and drove about 20 blocks away,
then he left him at the park.
But when he got home, the cat was there as if nothing had happened.
The next day he decided to take the cat somewhere further away,
about 50 blocks. He put him out of the car and drove home.
And again, the cat was there waiting for him.
‘This is impossible,’ said the man to himself.
‘tomorrow I’ll make sure he can’t come back!’
The next day he puts the cat in the car and he drives around,
taking turn after turn – right, left, right, right and so on.
Eventually, after about an hour of driving, he finally lets the cat out
and drives home.
A few hours later, the phone rings at his house and his wife answers it.
It’s the husband, and he asks:
“Is the cat there?”
“Why, yes.” says the wife,
“he’s been here quite a while, where are you?”
“Please put him on the phone,
I’m lost and I need directions.”
*****************************
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in
Northern Arizona when she saw an Elderly Native American Woman
walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and
asked the woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of
small talk with the woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail, until
she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
‘What in bag?’ asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said,
‘It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.’
The woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said, ‘Good trade.’
*****************************
A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an
experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them
to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing
on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, 'Let's get off the corner.'
No one moved, so he barked again, 'Let's get off the corner!'
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled
glances in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his
partner and asked, 'Well, how did I do?'
'Pretty good,' replied the veteran,
'especially since this is a bus stop.'
*****************************
A tourist climbed out of his hire-car in downtown Washington, D.C.
He was intent on visiting the White House and take in the city’s other
world-famous sights, but he felt hungry so he decided to pop into a
store to buy himself a snack.
As he pulled up to the curb outside the store, he saw a well-to-do man
standing on the sidewalk.
He said to him: “Listen, I’m going to be only a couple of minutes.
Would you watch my car while I run into this store?”
“What?” the man huffed. “Do you realize that I am a member
of the United States Senate?”
“Well no,” the tourist said, “I didn’t realize that.
But it’s all right. I’ll trust you anyway.”
It reaches the green.
Jesus is up next.
He slices it.
It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street.
Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and
into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a Lilly pad
at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth.
An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog.
As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball.
It’s in the hole.
Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated.
'Are you gonna play golf?' he asks
'Or are you just gonna fool around?'
*****************************
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence:
he’s allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask
for his two words.
'Cold floors,' he says.
They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.
They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throats and says,
'Bad food.'
They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.
They bring him in for his two words.
'I quit,' he says.
'That’s not surprising,' the elders say.
'You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.'
*****************************
There was a man who couldn’t stand his wife’s cat.
So, one day, he decided to get rid of him by dumping
him a long way away from the house.
He put the cat in the car and drove about 20 blocks away,
then he left him at the park.
But when he got home, the cat was there as if nothing had happened.
The next day he decided to take the cat somewhere further away,
about 50 blocks. He put him out of the car and drove home.
And again, the cat was there waiting for him.
‘This is impossible,’ said the man to himself.
‘tomorrow I’ll make sure he can’t come back!’
The next day he puts the cat in the car and he drives around,
taking turn after turn – right, left, right, right and so on.
Eventually, after about an hour of driving, he finally lets the cat out
and drives home.
A few hours later, the phone rings at his house and his wife answers it.
It’s the husband, and he asks:
“Is the cat there?”
“Why, yes.” says the wife,
“he’s been here quite a while, where are you?”
“Please put him on the phone,
I’m lost and I need directions.”
*****************************
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in
Northern Arizona when she saw an Elderly Native American Woman
walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and
asked the woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of
small talk with the woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail, until
she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
‘What in bag?’ asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said,
‘It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.’
The woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said, ‘Good trade.’
*****************************
A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an
experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them
to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing
on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, 'Let's get off the corner.'
No one moved, so he barked again, 'Let's get off the corner!'
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled
glances in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his
partner and asked, 'Well, how did I do?'
'Pretty good,' replied the veteran,
'especially since this is a bus stop.'
*****************************
A tourist climbed out of his hire-car in downtown Washington, D.C.
He was intent on visiting the White House and take in the city’s other
world-famous sights, but he felt hungry so he decided to pop into a
store to buy himself a snack.
As he pulled up to the curb outside the store, he saw a well-to-do man
standing on the sidewalk.
He said to him: “Listen, I’m going to be only a couple of minutes.
Would you watch my car while I run into this store?”
“What?” the man huffed. “Do you realize that I am a member
of the United States Senate?”
“Well no,” the tourist said, “I didn’t realize that.
But it’s all right. I’ll trust you anyway.”
Semper Fidelis
![[Image: SyAa0qj.png]](https://i.imgur.com/SyAa0qj.png)
USMC
USMC
Nemo me impune lacessit