Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

Adam and Eve said,
'Lord when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are
lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember
how much you love us.'

And God said,
'I will create a companion for you that will be with you
and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that
you will love me even when you cannot see me.'
Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable, you
may be, this new companion will accept you as you are
and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal and God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve
and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said,
'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and
I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of
my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name,
and you will call him DOG.

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to
them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride.
They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they
are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that
they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, 'I will create for them a companion who will be
with them and who will see them as they are. The companion
will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that
they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them.
And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes,
they were reminded that they were not the Supreme Beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.

And the Cat didn't give a sh*t one way or the other.......


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Texting for Seniors

IMPORTANT – in today’s social media driven world,
those of us over 60 need to learn the new CTSFOF’s
(Common Text Symbols for Old Farts)
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).

Not to be outdone by these SNK (snot nosed kids), now,
finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!

Although most of us are not even close to senior status
I thought you should know their codes in case you get one
from a senior.

Texting for Seniors as follows:

ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

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A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender laughs and says,
'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'

The grasshopper looks at the bartender,
with a look of extreme confusion on his face, and says,
'You have a drink called Steve?'


*****************************

In the retirement community of Sun City Hilton Head,
South Carolina last week, there was a bumper sticker
on a parked car that read:

'I miss Chicago.'

So someone broke the windows,
stole the radio, shot out all four of the tires,
and left a note that read:

'Hope this helps!'


*****************************

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same
female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day the girls decided that, when the boss left,
they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work,
so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early.
She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick
workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband,
but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a
muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was
mortified to see her husband fooling around with her boss!

Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and
redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked
the blonde if she was going to go with them.

“No way!” the blonde exclaimed.
“I almost got caught yesterday!”

**************************


A blonde lady in the pet shop asks about buying a gold fish.
The salesperson ask if she needed an aquarium.

Her reply,
'I don't care what sign it is.'


**************************


Three nurses sadly pass away. They rise up into heaven,
and there they approach the gatekeeper to plead their
case for entering paradise.

So the keeper points to the first nurse, who says:
“I worked in an emergency room. I treated many people,
and always did my best to help. And although sometimes
we would lose patients, I still think I deserve to enter.”

The gatekeeper glances at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse then says,
“I used to work in the operating room, assisting surgeons.
It was a lot of stress, and we lost many people, but I
always did my best.”

The keeper glances at her file and motions her to enter.

“And you?” He asks the third nurse.

“I was a case manager for an HMO. I worked with
thousands of patients.”

The gatekeeper takes a long and careful look at her file.
He pulls out a calculator and starts entering digits quickly,
looking back from time to time at the woman’s file.
After a few minutes like this, the keeper looks up, smiles
at her and says:

“Congratulations! You’ve been admitted to heaven…
for five days!”


***************************

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients
to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond
to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled,
“Up Nuts”, and the patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem, he yelled, “Down Nuts”, and they all
sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled,
“Cheer Nuts” They all broke out into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the
star of the home team, the Doctor yelled,
“Booooo Nuts” and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go
get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked:
”What in the world happened?”

The assistant replied:
“Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by
and yelled, “PEANUTS!”