Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

A Russian woman married an Australian gentleman and they lived happily in Melbourne.
The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate
with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know
how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted
up her skirt to show her thighs.

Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it,
and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show
the butcher her breasts.

The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.


On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a
way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...................


What were you thinking?

Her husband speaks English!
Now get back to whatever you were doing.

*****************************

Found some time-savers for us during a shopping expedition

With time at a premium




SELF EXPLANATORY......





A little something for the Grandson, to help keep
'the home fires burning'......





For those Anon's and Lurkers........





a method to help out when correcting screw-ups and
a time/effort saver to boot.....





And then for when things really get busy..








While everyone else is busy working.......






And for the Big Cheese....




*****************************

Why didn't the melons get married?

Because they cantaloupe!

*****************************

Why Americans don't eat snails

Because they prefer fast food

*****************************

What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?

A small medium at large!


*****************************

The marriage between the elderly farmer and his young wife was not working
out too well, so the farmer consulted his doctor for advice.

"The next time you're down in the field plowing and feel a yearning for your wife
don't wait until lunch time or the end of the day, but quit what you're doing and
go to the house" said the doctor.

"I tried that" said the farmer
"But by the time I get to the house, I am so tuckered out, it's no use".

The doctor thought for a minute "Take your shotgun with you when you leave
the house in the morning and if you feel the urge, shoot the gun and she will
come down there where you are".


A few weeks later the two men met on the street.


"How did it work out?" asked the doctor.

"Fine, the first three days" said the farmer
"But then hunting season opened and I haven't seen her since".


***************************


I accidentally shot a Golden Eagle while out Duck shooting and ended up in court.


Judge: "This is a very serious crime.
Do you have anything to say in your defense?"

Me: "Yes your Honor, it was very misty and the light was fading and, once
I realized the horror of what I'd done, I remembered what me late father said.
'If you kill an animal you must respect it's spirit and eat every part of it' so
I took it home and fed my family for a day".


Judge: "Yeah... yeah... that's very moving young man and, under the circumstances,
I'm prepared to admonish you but... just before you step down...
I'm curious, what did it taste like?"


Me: "Hard to say Your Honor, kind of like a cross between
an Osprey and a Peregrine".