Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

How to kill corona virus

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A huge lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company.
The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an ax.

"Take a couple swings at that tree over there" the foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single chop.

"Holy smokes, you've got quite the arm! You're absolutely hired,
but I need to know what you can do.
Try your hand at this tree over here".

The foreman points out a much larger tree.

One, two swings and the tree crashes to the ground.

"That's incredible!" Cried the foreman.
"Wherever did you learn to chop like that?!"

"In the Sahara Forest" replied the lumberjack.

"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?" asked the foreman.

"That's why I'm here!!"


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What do you call a pig with 3 eyes. ?


Piiig


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God said to John,
"Come forth and I will grant you eternal life.",

But John came fifth so so all he got was a toaster.


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Did you hear about the 9 year old girl who completely disappeared
because she used a skin care product guaranteed to make
her look 10 years younger ?


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A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

"Thank you, honey" she says. "What would you like me to bring back for you?"

He laughs and says "An Italian girl!"

When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks
"So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good" she replies.

"And what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" she asks.

"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!"

"Oh, that" she says. "Well, I did what I could.
Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl".


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In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball,
the mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt -
prepare yourself to be a widow.
Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year".

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face,
then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know.

She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice,
and asked "Will I be acquitted?"


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"What color?" they asked. He settled for white.

"How much does it cost?" he asked. "Twenty-four dollars".

'Expensive, but okay' he thought.

All that remained was the size,
but he hadn't the faintest idea.

"Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons?
Coconuts?
Grape fruits?
Oranges?"

"No" he said "nothing like that".

"Come on, sir, think. There must be something
your wife's bust resembles".

He thought long and hard and then looked up and
said "Eggs, fried, on a plate”.


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Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer
in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is
taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl
mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do
not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. Preosllnay
I tinhk its cmolpete nenosnese......