Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

Fix The Outhouse

Ma was in the kitchen fiddlin around when she hollars out...
"Pa you need to fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, " There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is now git out there and fix it."

So... Pa mosies out to the outhouse, look's around and yell's back,
"There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies "Stick your head in the hole!"

Pa yell's back "I ain't sticking my head in that hole!"

Ma says "Ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, pa sticks his head in the hole and looks around and yells back,
"Ma there ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollars back, " Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the Toilet Seat!"

To which Ma replies "Hurt's , Don't it?

 


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Did you folks hear about the people of Pisa are going to have a clock
installed in the leaning Tower of Pisa?



They say there isn't much point in having an inclination,
if you don't have the time.

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"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that
they have to be identified by their dental records.

What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are,
how do they know who your dentist is?"


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I went shopping with the wife the other day, when she got into an argument with another couple.
She berated the other woman for cutting her off in the queue.

Before I could do anything, she suddenly smacked the other woman across the face with a frozen piece of fish.

The husband turned to me and said,
"Good grief! Don't just stand there, your wife has obviously lost her damn mind!"

To which I answered nonchalantly,
"It wouldn't surprise me, considering she gives me a piece of it almost daily".

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While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.

One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one,
but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem.

She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier was surprised, so the nun said,
"This is for washing our hair".

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter
and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

She said, "The curlers are on me".


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A nun was sitting at the airport waiting for her flight to Chicago.
She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune
and thought to herself, "I'll give it a try and see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in,
out came a card that read::

"You are a nun, you weigh 60 kilos, and you are going to Chicago".

The nun sat back down.

She told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone.
The more she thought about it the more curious she got so she decided to try it again.
She went back to the machine and again put her nickel in, and out came a card that read::

"You are a nun, you weigh 60 kilos, you are going to Chicago and
you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun says to herself, "I know that is wrong, I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life".

She sat back down.

From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case
on the seat between them.
Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out the fiddle,
and started playing beautiful music!

Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking,

"This is incredible, I've got to try this again!"

Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out.
It read::

"You are a nun, you weigh 60 kilos, you are going to Chicago and
you are going to break wind!"

Now she knows the machine is wrong, as she thought to herself
"I've never broken wind in public a single time in my life."

But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep
herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.

Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine.

She said to herself, "This is truly remarkable. I've got to try this again."

She went back to the machine, put in another nickel and another card came out.

It read::

"You are a nun, you weigh 60 kilos, you have fiddled and farted
around and missed your flight to Chicago".