Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

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What do you call a cow that just had a baby? DeCALFeinated 

I have kleptomania. Sometimes when it gets really bad, I take something for it.

I gave all my dead batteries away today... Free of charge.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

What time is it? I don’t know. It keeps changing.

If a child refuses to take a nap, is he resisting a rest?

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

So I came home from work yesterday to find that someone broke into my apartment. Looking around, it seemed like they didn't really take a whole lot. My TV was still there, my PS4, and my legos were fine. But the apartment was dark, even when I tried to turn on the lights. Seems the only thing that was taken were my lightbulbs and a couple lamps...I was delighted.

I hate perforated lines, they're tearable.

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

How are a chicken and a grape alike?
They are both purple... except for the chicken.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What's brown and sticky?
A stick!

Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!

What's a Wok?
Something you throw at a Wabbit.

What do you call a bee that produces milk?
Boobee


And with that ... I'll shut up