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Humorous Smilies - Printable Version

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RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 05-16-2016

Those Aussis CAN Tracke!

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End.

On their way to Kakadu he was describing the amazingabilities of the Australian Aborigines to track man or beast over land, through the air and under the sea.

The Americans were incredulous.

Later in the day, as the group rounded a bend on the highway they discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine...

He had one ear pressed to the white line, whilst his left leg was held high in the air!

The bus stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine...

"Hey Jacky," said the tour guide, "What are you tracking and what are you listening for?"

The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute... It's a red one, the left front tyre is bald... The front end is out of whack, and him got bloody dents in every panel... There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 4 dogs on the front seat."

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

"God Lord man, how do you know all that?," asked one.

The Aborigine replied:... "I fell out of the bloody thing about half an hour ago!"

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The Ten Commandments..............
(Of Marriage !)


Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven.
But then again, so is thunder and lightning.
 
Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention
to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
 
Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least a 100 grand!
 
Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
 
Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.
 
Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
 
Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking
about something you said .
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
 
Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical,
and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
 
Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.
 
Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
 

[b]BONUS COMMANDMENT STORY

A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.

The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.

The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, 'It really works!'

RE: Humorous Smilies - Charon - 05-16-2016

nice. i did not expect the punchline with bonus commandment story.

RE: Humorous Smilies - whatapain - 05-16-2016

http://ioplist.org/images/smilies/biggrin.png

RE: Humorous Smilies - Linville - 05-17-2016

all very funny.


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RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 05-17-2016

The Dachshund and the Leopard

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company.

One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!"

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and just when they get close enough to hear the dachshund says ...

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."


Good Dentist?

A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go to Dr. Steinberg for a new set of dentures the next morning.

His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.

"Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?"

The second oldster replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 180 mph when it slammed me right in the testicles."

The first old guy was confused and asked, "What the hell does that have to do with your dentures?"

"It was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
As I was driving home and worrying about all the stuff going on in my life,

my family's lives,

my friends' lives

and what's happening in Paris,

Washington,

Moscow,

Ukraine,

the Middle East,

Trump,

CBC News,

the downgrading of our military,

25,000 Syrian refugees,

the terrorists and illegals infiltrating our borders,

and how our country is rapidly losing its sanity and its Christianity,

I saw a yard sign that said:

NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS 1800-555-3787


Out of curiosity and desperation, I called the number.



A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower....

RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 05-17-2016

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 As you know, my dear people, for the last year the Royal House of Clinton has been tormented by questions about our handling of finances and subjected to tiresome questions about the tragic events in Benghazi--in the furthest regions of our empire.  And, sadly, also questions about my Royal e-mails.
 
Nevertheless, I will not be daunted in my desire and commitment to serve you, the people.
 
For the next eight months I will be traveling among you as one of you, to listen to your deepest longings and needs.  I will be with you in your Wal-Marts and beside you in your Burger Kings.  I will drive with you down the busy interstate highways of our land, sharing your poverty and needs.
 
How well I remember the days when the Duke of Arkansas and I were impoverished.  After we were expelled from our Washington Palace we hardly had two mansions to rub together.  We were so poor that we removed thousands of dollars of china, flatware, carpets and gifts from the Washington Palace just to survive.

Shockingly, unscrupulous and ungrateful officials later forced us to return many of these treasures.  Now, happily, benefactors from around our empire have given me just enough for us to scrape by.
 
During these difficult times, we had to cut back. When our daughter was married, we only had three million dollars to spend on her wedding. And, I remember our hopes, as she moved into her $10 million Manhattan apartment, that one day she would be able to move on from that humble abode to something more fitting. 

After working for MSNBC for a starting salary of a mere $600,000 per year, what else could she do? So I now pay her $3,000,000 a year to run the 'Foundation'.
 
So, [add group here] as I travel across our kingdom to meet you all, I will be listening and sharing with you.  Then, when the time for the royal election (Coronation) comes, I know I can count on you to crown me as your rightful monarch, with my assurance that I will continue King Obama's policies, and we can all live happily ever after.
 
Your
Queen-in-Waiting,

Hilarity Rodham Clinton

RE: Humorous Smilies - Charon - 05-17-2016

   


http://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/local/Joshua-Missionary-Baptist-Church-Long-Island-Message-to-Oil-Take-Thieves-Huntington-379810001.html

A sign posted outside Joshua Missionary Baptist Church in Huntington on Tuesday.
A Long Island church has a very direct message to the thieves who swiped a heating tank: "U R going to hell."
Joshua Baptist Cathedral in Huntington posted a sign scolding the thieves who swiped an oil tank from the house of worship ahead of last weekend's services.

"To whomever stole our oil tank U R going to hell," the sign posted outside the church said.

It's not clear when exactly the oil tank was stolen, but the Rev. Stephanie Riddle Green, the church's pastor, told NBC 4 New York that it was cold in the building before Sunday's services.

Green raised the heat on the thermostat, but the temperature didn't change. So she went to check on the oil tank -- which had been replaced six months ago after the old one was damaged by a flood -- and discovered it had been taken.

The small congregation had not fully paid for the $275 tank. Green said she does not know how they will find the money to pay off the stolen tank and buy a new one.

RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 05-17-2016

Now THAT'S funny.... Well for us... Not so much for the ones that stole it... Wink

Ice

RE: Humorous Smilies - Charon - 05-17-2016

u would think i put the sign up, Ice. that is how i write. ooops. i am not that pastor.

RE: Humorous Smilies - Linville - 05-18-2016

chuckling ....yes Charon you do write that way...very funny catch.

(On the other hand poor congregation..)


and now on to another funny.....




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