A French, a Brit, and an American
are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives.

The chief says to them,
"You must die for intruding our land.
But it is our custom to allow you to
choose your own death."

After some time, the Frenchman says,
"My great grandfather died by sword while
fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor him."

He takes a sword and impales himself.

The natives take him away, skin him,
and turn him into a canoe.

The Brit says,
"My father gave me his pistol on his deathbed.
I shall shoot myself in honor of him."

The Brit takes the gun and shoots himself.

The natives take him away, skin him,
and turn him into a canoe.

Awhile later, the American asks for a fork.

Confused they give him a fork and
he starts stabbing himself all over.

The natives scream out,
"What are you doing?!"

The American replies,
"You're not turning me into a canoe!"


******



An old man with hearing problems crashed
his car into a very expensive automobile.

The owner of the expensive automobile
jumps out and confronts the old man and says,

“Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”

The old man replies,
“Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money
but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.”

The old man dials his son as as he is about to
speak the owner of the expensive car yanks
the phone out of his hand and says,

“So you train dolphins, well your old man
just hit and damaged my car, you bring
me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him!”

The son answers,
“Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.”

In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep,
Ten men jump out and beat the h3ll out of the
expensive car owner.

Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says,
“Dad I train Navy Seals not dolphins.









Remember

Things a Senior might say. . .


As I’ve grown older,
I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible,
but annoying everyone is a piece of cake.


I’m responsible for what I say,
not what you understand.


Common sense is like deodorant.
The people who need it the most never use it.


My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days.
I used to have some immunity built up,
but obviously there's a new strain out there.


It’s not my age that bothers me;
it’s the side effects.


I’m not saying I’m old and worn out,
but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.


As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history,
I'm sure of one thing:
It will be misspelled and have no punctuation.


Me, sobbing:
"I can't see you anymore. . . .
I'm not going to let you hurt me again."
My Trainer:
"It was one sit-up.”


As I’ve gotten older, people think I’ve become lazy.
The truth is I’m just being more energy efficient.


I haven't gotten anything done today.
I've been in the Produce Department
trying to open this stupid plastic bag.


If you find yourself feeling useless,
remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars,
and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.


Turns out that being a "senior"
is mostly just googling how to do stuff.


I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently.
I have new ideas.


I'm on two diets.
I wasn't getting enough food on one.


I put my scale in the bathroom corner
and that's where the little liar will stay
until it apologizes.


My mind is like an internet browser.
At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen,
and I have no clue where the music is coming from.


Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall,
and when it rang,
I picked it up without knowing who was calling.


Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation
"Maybe next time"
isn't the correct response.


Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again
to see if you’re still a dumbass.


There is no such thing as a grouchy old person.
The truth is that once you get old,
you stop being polite and start being honest

This shows just how much trouble we are really in


YES