Just don't look suspicious

Where Does Poo Come From?


A father was finding a little peace and quiet on the toilet
with the door shut when his 4 year old girl knocked on
the door and asked...
"Daddy, where does poo come from?"

He thought about it and decided to be honest
with her as she was growing up fast.

He said,
"Well Honey, you eat your food and it travels down
to your stomach and gets churned up as it continues
to travel through your body into your intestines and
comes out as waste from your bottom."
His little girl started crying and ran off.

He felt awful so decided to finish up and go and see if
she was alright. Before he could pull his pants back up
his daughter returned to the door sobbing.

Through the tears and sobs she asked,
"But Daddy..(sniff)..then where (sniff)..
does Tigger come from?"









*****



The Telephone



Having just moved into his new office,
a pompous, new Colonel was sitting at
his desk when an airman knocked on the door.

Conscious of his new position,
the Colonel quickly picked up the phone,
told the airman to enter, then said into
the phone,
"Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon
and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime,
thank you for your good wishes, Sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed
the young enlisted man,
he asked, "What do you want ?"

"Nothing important, sir,"
the airman replied,
"I'm just here to hook-up your telephone."



*****



An Amish Boy and His Father




An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw,
but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move
apart and back together again.

The boy asked,
"What is this, Father?"

The father
(never having seen an elevator)
responded,
"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life,
I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,
an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls
and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between
them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched
the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number
and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order.

The walls opened up again and a
beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman,
said quietly to his son,
"Quick, go get your Mother".

A cowboy riding his trusty horse,
stopped at an old tavern.

He went in and yelled,
"Bartender!
Gimme a drink, will ya?
One that's really strong!"

"Right away, sir."

The bartender complied,
and poured him a glass of a strong
and fine scotch. However, after drinking it
quickly the cowboy got angry,
and made a scene.

"What the hell was that?
If I asked you for tap water
I would have said so!"

He reluctantly paid and left saying,
"I hope next time ya give me
some good stuff!".

The next day, sure enough,
the cowboy returns on his steed,
and once again yells, more intensely:

"BARTENDER!
Pour me a drink, and this time,
make it really, REALLY strong."

"Of course, sir".

The bartender proceeded to make a cocktail
out of the strongest liqueurs he had stored
over the years.

Yet again, the short-tempered cowboy exclamed:

"No, no, NO!
This is nowhere near strong!
What kinda business do ya have
here, partner? It's damn near a miracle
you're still runnin'!"

He left in a frenzy without paying,
while rambling about his wish
for a strong beverage.

The following day,
the rider of peculiar taste made his entrance,
and of course, proclamed:

"B a R T e N d E r!"

"I want a drink!
And this time,
I want it really,
REALLY, R E A L L Y strong."

"As you wish."

The polite and soft-spoken bartender
had lost his patience, went back to the kitchen,
and mixed in a glass a concoction of soap,
hot sauce, rat poison, and other
undisclosed components, and
brought it to the impatient cowboy.

Finally, after drinking it in one gulp,
the cowboy smiled and said:

"Now this... THIS IS A STRONG DRINK!
Nigh the best I've ever had!
Thank ya very much, bartender!"

He left giving a generous tip and
in joy beaming out of his face.

The tale is not over,
for the next day,
the cowboy walked into
the old tavern and said calmly:

"Bartender,
I'd like a glass of tap water,
please."

"Really?
Are you sure you don't want a
really, really, really, really strong drink, sir?

"Well, normally I would,
but whatever ya gave me yesterday
made me fart and killed my horse!".

FINALLY!!
Capitol Punishment that just may deter
the most heinous offenders...

What makes this funnier to me is,
Mother knew this guy Roy Mercer was talking too

Said he was a BIG dude

Cop gave me a ticket for doing fifteen over the limit.
I didn't know radar guns could measure beers.



*****



Democrats are s3xier than Republicans?

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"Is it true that Democrats are generally considered
to be more attractive than Republicans?"

He asks the bartender.

"Well, have you every heard of a
hot piece of elephant?"
the bartender responds.



*****



I ordered two large fries at McDonald's
The idiots gave me 86 tiny ones!



*****



I refused to believe my dad was
stealing from his job at the highway department

But when I got home...
All the signs were there.



*****



Little Johnny failed fourth grade so badly
that the school put him in third grade

He failed third grade even worse
they had to put him in second grade.

Upon hearing the news that he
failed second grade even more spectacularly
and had to be demoted to first grade,
his dad whispered to Johnny's mom:
Tighten your underwear, he is coming back !!



*****



I was digging in our garden and
found a chest full of gold coins!
I wanted to run straight home
to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why
I was digging in our garden.



*****



I got fired from my job at the suicide hotline
Apparently they aren't familiar
with the reverse psychology approach



*****



I give my wife with a
solid 9 inches everyday

3 inches in the morning
3 inches in the afternoon
3 inches in the evening



*****



Where do the fish keep their money?
In the river bank



*****



There are only two types of hair:
public hair and pubic hair.

But that's one L of a difference.



*****



What did the river say when
it saw beavers approaching?

Well I'll be dammed...



*****



Tom, the serial flasher,
was going to retire
But he decided to
stick it out for another year.



*****



I told my kid to not open the door for
anyone while I’m not home

Now I’m stuck outside


*****

Once me and my first wife were
really into a love making session,
when she whispered in my ear,

"Turn out the light and put it in my rear."

I guess I should have let it
cool down a little first