Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the
local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing
football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good
idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a
personal trainer named Vanessa,
who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor
and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm
to get started! The club encouraged me to keep
a diary to chart my progress

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed,
but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club
to find Vanessa waiting for me. She was something of
a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and
a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Vanessa gave me
a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse
after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that
my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing
next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. Very inspiring,
Vanessa was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although
my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole
time she was around. I enjoyed watching the skillful way
in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout
today.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!



TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door.
Vanessa made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into
the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly
on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Vanessa's rewarding
smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!!
It's a whole new life for me.



WEDNESDAY:

The only way that I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe
I have a hernia in both breasts. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try
to steer or stop. Vanessa was impatient with me, insisting that my
screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky
for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally
whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill,
so Vanessa put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone
invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Vanessa told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other crap too.



THURSDAY:

Vanessa was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an
hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Vanessa took me to work
out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's
room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the
rowing machine.



FRIDAY:

I hate that bitch Vanessa more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable
pain, I would beat her with it. Vanessa wanted me to work on my triceps -
I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand
me the Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like the drama coach or the choir director?



SATURDAY:

Vanessa left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my fist.
However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended
up catching eleven straight hours of the Shopping Channel.



SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the be-otch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --
like a root canal or a vasectomy.

Never buy Cheap Socks Again!!!








******

So I got a GAs Station Job One Summer


One week an older guy drove up
and said he wanted a fill-up.

Then he got out of the car with an umbrella,
opened it,
and followed me around as I worked,
holding the umbrella over my head
to keep the sun off me.

I awkwardly thanked him as he
paid his tab and drove away.

A week later,
he came back for a fill up.

Again,
he got out of the car with the umbrella
and opened it,
but this time he just stood there
watching me work.

I asked,
“So you’re not gonna use that to keep
the sun off me this time?”

He retorted,
“Watch it, young man.
Fuel me once, shade on you.
Fuel me twice, shade on me!”


*****


A Country Boy Went to the City to Look
For a Job

He finally got an interview.

He never held a corporate job before
so he took tips from his friend about
how to conduct himself in the interview.

But when he came back from the interview,
he looked defeated.

His friend asked:
"Why do you look so disappointed?
Didn't the interview go well?"

Timmy:
"Yes, it went all well.
But I think at the end of the interview
I messed up."

Friend:
"What did you do?

Timmy:
"She asked me to show my testimonials.
I think I ended up showing her the wrong thing!"


*****


Last week the cops busted a barber in the area
for selling drugs!

I've been a customer of his for
20 plus years!

I never knew he was a barber

A Wife is Frying Eggs for
Her Husband One Morning


Suddenly the husband appears behind
the wife's back and says:

"Careful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan!
You're frying too many at a time.
TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM!
Come on! Put more fat in there.
Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make
space for the fat now, look,
they're sticking to the pan!
Careful! Careful now! You never listen
to me when I cook! NEVER!
Flip them over already.
HURRY! ARE YOU CRAZY?
Take it easy! EASY! Nooo, don't forget the salt.
Put salt on them, SALT!"

The wife stares at her husband:
"What's wrong with you?
You think I can't fry a few eggs?"

The husband answers calmly:
"I just wanted to show you what
it feels like when I'm driving."


*****



Son, You Need to Study Shakespeare


Little Johnny is at the mall with his mom.

He sees a man with bow legs and points to him and says,
"Mom, what's wrong with that man's legs?"

She's horrified and tells him,
"Johnny, that's rude, you should never
point out other people's disabilities.
For punishment you have to read the
Complete Works of Shakespeare
every night for the next two weeks."

After two weeks they're back at the mall
and Johnny sees the bow-legged man again.

He turns to his mom and says,
"Oh, Mother, what manner of men are these
that wear their balls in parentheses?"



*****


At a Crocodile Farm


A group of tourists visited a crocodile farm and
the owner of the place launched a bold proposal.

"Whoever dares to jump,
swim to the coast and survive,
I'll give you $ 1 million."

No one dared to move,
suddenly, a man jumped into the water
and desperately swam to the shore
while being chased by all the crocodiles.

With enormous luck he survived,
taking everyone's admiration at the scene,
then the owner announced,
"We have a brave winner! "

After collecting his reward,
the couple returned to the hotel,
upon arrival, the manager told him he
was very brave to jump in with
all those crocodiles.

Then the man said,
"I didn't jump, someone pushed me!"

His wife smiled...


*****


My last relationship ended because
I didn't open the car door for her.
I swam up to the surface instead.



*****


Got in trouble at a gender reveal party today.
Apparently pulling my pants down
is not what they had in mind.


*****


I once dated a girl
That told me she loved all animals.
When I told her I worked with animals,
she asked me if I was a veterinarian.
I said,
"No, I am a butcher"


*****

There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace

Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit:
he liked to eat grass -- not just a little bit,
but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush.

And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it.

One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass
while he was working outside.

He looked and looked,
but it was nowhere to be found.

As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and
decided to look the next morning.

When he awoke, he went outside and saw that his dog
had eaten all the grass in the area, around where he
had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight,
glinting in the sun.

Going out to get his wrench,
he called the dog over to him and said,
"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound,
that saved a wrench for me."