********

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar.
It's a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house.
The difference is staggering.

********


A wannabe rich woman once bought and expensive fur coat
which didn’t sit well with her 14 year old daughter.

“Mom, do you realize that some poor, dumb beast
had to suffer so you could get that?”
She said

The woman, infuriated by her daughter’s comment said
"How dare you speak about your father like that!"


********


Girlfriend messaged me:
"helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"

What does 'ternative' mean?

This is just too cute
https://i.imgur.com/ZQ1Eg6W.mp4

Okay... Not one of my best efforts...

A politician is looking for an advantage
in an upcoming election so he hires a specialist adviser
who charges $1 million for an hour of advice.

The politician begs, borrows and steals,
remortgaging his house to pay for the appointment,
sure it will win him the election and
pay for itself a dozen times over.

During the hour,
the politician rushes through everything he wants to
know and the adviser answers every question cleverly
and confidently, giving the politician tasks and
research to carry out later on.

For his final question at 59:35 he says
“I suppose I should wonder how voters and taxpayers feel."

The adviser replies,
“Go to nature. Camp in the woods,
eat a honey sandwich,
run naked through the bracken.
Feel the freedom of choice.
After that you will know.”

The adviser hangs up at exactly 60 minutes
but the politician is amazed and inspired.

He calls to his wife for honey sandwiches
and dusts off his old canvas tent.

Later that evening he’s naked, eating honey sandwiches
and wobbling about in the woods when suddenly
a swarm of bees appears, wanting vengeance against
this chubby bastard and his stolen golden goodness,
whereupon they sting the buggering bother out of him.

He returns home later that evening, fuming and confused.

He calls the advisor and says,
“What are you playing at?
I trusted you, thought everything was alright and
believed what you said, only to get absolutely
buggered by bloody bastard bees!”

The adviser replies,
“Now you know how voters feel.”

The politician says,
“Well I hated the advice. I felt like my money went on something
that didn’t benefit me and has only worked out for you.
Can I have a refund?”

The adviser replies, “No.
Now you know how taxpayers feel.”