Sometimes, things just pass through my head
and I can't resist making a meme

Old Texas Lady Gets Pulled Over
By a Cop for Driving Slowly

While thinking she's on prescription medication and
needing to do a field sobriety test, he asks to have her
get out of the car, and almost jokingly asks if there are
any weapons in her vehicle.

She tells him
"Sure, Sonny, as a matter of fact, I do.
I have a Kimber 1911 in the center console,
a Glock 9mm by my seat, a Colt 45 in the glove box..."

Cop says
"Ok, wow-"

She says "I'm not done yet: in the back,
I have an AK-47, an AK-74 and a AR-15..."

Cop starts with
"Well, Ma'am, that's more than I..."

She cuts him off, again

"Let me finish: in the trunk, I have a Mossberg 12 gauge,
a Springfield 30-06, A Barrett .50 Cal, and a Benelli M4.
And that's all I have, Officer."

Cop is beyond surprised by this point
"Jesus Christ lady! What are you so afraid of!?"

"Come here, and I'll tell you."

The old lady motions with her finger for him to get closer,
then whispers in his ear:
"...Not a d@mned thing."

Welcome to Texas



*****


An old lady is walking down the road with two large
sacks and one of them is leaking 20 dollar bills.

She is stopped by a cop, who asked her,
"Where did an old lady like you get all that money?"

She responded,
"Well I live behind a golf course and when golfers
need to pee they stick their willie in a hole on my fence
and pee in my yard, well this got to be a problem
because it was killing my flowers."

"Ok",
said the cop
"That still doesn't explain the bags"

She said,
"I was getting tired of my flowers being killed,
so I decided to stay out behind my fence with a
pair of hedge clippers and when a golfer sticks his
willie through the fence I grab hold of it and yell,
$20 or it comes clean off!"

"Ok sounds fair",
said the officer,
"Now what's in the other bag?"

The old lady smugly reply's,
"Well, not everyone pays."


*****


A family is at the dinner table.

The son asks the father,
“Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers,
“Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.
In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?”
the son asks.

“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter.

The daughter asks,
“Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”

The mother smiles and says,
“Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”


“A Christmas tree?”
the daughter asks.

“Yes, dead from the root up and
the balls are just for decoration.”


*****