"I'd like to buy a horth"
He says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?"
Said the owner.

"A female horth"
The dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a lovely mare.

"Nithe horth."
Says the dwarf,
"Can I thee her eyeth?"

So the owner picks up the dwarf and
holds him to show him the horses eyes.

"Nithe eyeth."
Says the dwarf,
"Can I thee her teeth?"

Again the owner picks up the dwarf
to show him the horses teeth.

"Very nithe teeth....
can I see her eerth?"
The dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up
but doesn't want to risk spoiling the sale
Again he picks up the dwarf to show him
the horses ears.

"Nithe eerth"
He says.
"Now. ..
Can I see her twot?"

With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck
and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail,
right into the lady parts.
He holds him there for a couple of seconds before
pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says:
"Perhaps I should weefwaze that..."
"Can I see her wun awound the twack?"

A man was in a tattoo shop getting some new work done.

The artist was known to be quite an airhead,
but everyone agreed he did amazing artwork.

So there he was working on this bloke.
A portrait of an Indian that was a full back piece.

At one point the client tells the artist
"Oh yeah, I want the Indian holding a tomahawk.
I think that'll look awesome".

The artist replied, cool as a cucumber.
"A tomahawk huh? Woah, easy there, fella.
One thing at a time.
I haven't even finished his turban yet".


*****



A young girl went into confession and told the priest
she had slept with four different
men over the past week.

Jack on Tuesday,
Bill on Wednesday,
Peter on Thursday and
Chuck on Friday.

“Well my child”
said the priest
“On your way home tonight buy two lemons
and suck on them.”

“But Father, will that cleanse me of my sins?”
she asked.

“No, but it’ll take that bloody damned smile off your face.”



*****


The woman was so pleased with the decorator’s work.

The house was beautifully fresh and clean.
She took her husband upstairs to see the finished results,
but he’d just been in the garden and left his dirty handprints
all over the bedroom door.

She could have cried with disappointment.

The next morning when the decorator came to finish off
she smiled sweetly at him and said,
“I really can’t thank you enough for such a good job.
I just wondered if you would mind coming upstairs for a
few minutes so that I can show you where my husband put his hand?”

The decorator visibly paled and stuttered his reply.
“No thanks, if its all the same to you,
just a letter of recommendation would be nice.”

American identifies as
Mexican to avoid vaccine





Why Florida is Ruining Everything
Awaken With JP
Published November 6, 2021

A Few Things You Won't EVER Hear In Texas

Duct tape won’t fix that.

Actually, I’ll have a Heineken.

We don’t keep firearms in this house.

You can’t feed that to the dog.

I thought Graceland was a bit tacky.

No kids in the back of the pickup,
it’s just not safe.

Honey, did you mail that donation
to Greenpeace?

Oh, I just couldn’t.
She’s only sixteen.

We’re vegetarians.

Do you think my gut is too big?

Honey, we don’t need another dog.

Spitting is such a vile habit.

Trim the fat off that steak.

No more for me,
I’m driving tonight.




**********

Heaven & Hell
vs Texans




Gabriel came to the Lord and said:
"I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here in
heaven who are causing problems.
They’re swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing,
their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they insist
on wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats
instead of their halos, and
they refuse to keep the stairway to heaven clean – there
are watermelon seeds all over the place!"

The Lord said,
"I made them special, Gabriel.
Heaven is home to all my children.
If you want to know
about real problems, let’s call the Devil."

So they phoned down to hell,
and asked the Devil what sort of problems
he was experiencing.

"Hang on a second, will you,"
said the Devil.
"I have to sort something out."

They heard shouting in the background.

When the Devil returned to the phone, he groaned,
"You’ll never believe the day I’m having!
Those damn Texans have put out the fire and
are trying to install air conditioning!"



**********

At The Bar


Three insurance salesmen are having drinks and
boasting about each company’s service.

The first one says,
“When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday,
we got the news that evening and were able to process the
claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening.”

The second one says,
“When one of our insured died without warning on Monday,
we learned of it in two hours and were able to
hand-deliver a check the same evening.”

The last salesman says,
“That’s nothing.
Our office is on the twentieth floor in the Sears Tower.
One of our insured, who was washing a window on
the eighty-fifth floor, slipped and fell.
We handed him his check as he passed our floor.”

People Who Fake Gluten Intolerance!
Awaken With JP 
Published November 10, 2021






Why Dave Chappelle is CANCELLED!
Awaken With JP
Published October 12, 2021





How to Think Like a Texan!
Awaken With JP
Published July 22, 2021

A lion had to appear at the courthouse to prove
he had been a good ruler of the animal kingdom.

He was nervous about his first day in court,
but his friends told him he’d be all right if he just
focused on the questions the judge asked and
answered them as best he could.

The lion dressed up in his very best suit,
and got to court right on time.

He smiled at the judge and was very polite.

He was a little shocked when the judge asked him,
“Are you a lion?”

“No, madam,”
stammered the lion.
“I swear, I’m telling the truth!”

A wildcat committed a horrible murder
and then left the country.
The police came upon the scene of the crime
and were stumped.

They found the paw prints and the broken lock,
but were unable to catch the crook.

How come?

They couldn’t find the missing lynx.