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Humorous Smilies - Printable Version

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RE: Humorous Smilies - Charon - 07-29-2021

   

   

   

RE: Humorous Smilies - Charon - 07-30-2021

   

RE: Humorous Smilies - Charon - 07-30-2021

A East Texas Police officer stopped at a farm in Tyler and talked with an old farmer who was working on his tractor.
He told the farmer, "i have suspicion that there is cannabis growing on your property and I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown pot right now."
The old timer said, "Okay officer , but please don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.
The Cop verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the State of Texas and Federal Government with me !" He instantly opened his police wallet to produce his badge and arrogantly displayed it in the farmers face.
"See this badge mate?! This badge means I am allowed by law to go wherever I wish....
On any land!
No questions asked!
Do you understand ?!!"
The farmer nodded politely, apologized, he continued working on his tractor. A short time later, the old farmer heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the cop running for his life, being chased by the farmer's big Brahman bull with the biggest horns in town...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old timer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"....................



   

RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 07-30-2021

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RE: Humorous Smilies - Charon - 07-30-2021

BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE - A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

RE: Humorous Smilies - Charon - 07-30-2021

I just got back from Walmart and I have to share this! I found myself behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He had his hands full with the child screaming for candy, chips, all sorts of things.  The granddad was saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy boy.”

Another outburst and I heard the granddad calmly say, “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”

At the checkout the little horror was throwing items out of the shopping cart and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.”

Well, I was really impressed, so I went outside to where the grandfather was loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I said to the Grandad, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it! That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad.”

“Thanks,” said the Granddad, “But I’m William. That little sh*t’s name is Kevin.”

   

RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 07-30-2021

GREAT!!!! ... Big Grin

RE: Humorous Smilies - Charon - 07-30-2021

   

RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 07-30-2021

What did he just say???


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Joe Biden Yells
"My Butt's Been Wiped!"


RE: Humorous Smilies - Charon - 07-30-2021

Or "waxed." People are not sure. Both concepts are horrific to think about.

And I suspect that new dog has been wiped. Any issues would have been due to Biden being dumb with animals. and what happened to the alleged cat?

I think it was Benny Jones whom did the skit of What if normal people spoke like biden does?whom put it up yesterday and i heard waxxed. Either way i never want to hear any such words about the President's butt thank u.