The day after visiting a fair, my wife was in agony.

"You know you’re past your prime," she said,
"When you hurt all over and all you rode
was the massage chair."


**********


At age 70, my grandfather bought his first riding lawn mower.

"This thing is great," he bragged to my brother.
"It took me only an hour and a half to mow the lawn.
It used to take your grandmother two days to do it all!"


**********


My grandfather was sipping a beer when he confessed to me he'd
drunk more than usual the day before.

"What's more than usual?" I asked.

"A case."

"You can drink a case in a day?!"

"Well," he grumbled defensively,
"it doesn't take all day."


**********


When the new activities director for the rec center walked in,
all us retirees quickly took notice.

She was 20-something, statuesque, and gorgeous.

My buddy whispered,
“She makes me wish I was 30 years older.”

“Don’t you mean 30 years younger?”
I asked.

“No. If I were 30 years younger,
I’d still never have a chance with a woman like that.
If I were 30 years older, it wouldn’t bother me so much!”

So Ready to Start a New Family



After Mrs. Jacobs found out that her husband was sterile,
the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife
and said,
"I'm off to work, Lydia, the guy should be here soon.

Wouldn't you know it, a door to door baby photographer
came by a half hour later ,
to make a sale.

Mrs. Jacobs answered the door.

He started,
"Good morning Ma'am, you don't know me,
but I''ve come to,,,"

"Oh yes, I know why you're here",
said Mrs. Jacobs,
"Harry told me that you would be here today."

"He did? But I..."

"Come right on in, no use wasting time."
said Mrs. Jacobs

"Very well." he replied.

He took out his briefcase and sat down.

"As you may already know,
I've made a specialty of babies."

"Good." She replied.
''That's just what Harry and I were looking for."

"I usually like to try 2 in the bathroom,
one on the couch and
perhaps a couple on the bed.",
Said the photographer.
"The living room floor
is fun too, you can really spread out."

"In the bathroom? Living room floor?
No wonder it never worked for Harry and me!" ,
She gasped.

He said,
"Well ma'am, none of us can guarantee
a perfect one every time, but if we
try several different positions and I shoot
from 6 or 7 different angles, I think you
will be quite pleased with the results."

She muttered nervously,
"I sure hope we can get this over with quickly."

He said, "Ma'am, in my line of work a man
must take his time. I'd like to be in and
out in 5 minutes,
but you'd be disappointed with that I'm sure."

"Don't I know it!",
she whispered.

The photographer pull out his portfolio of pictures.

"This one was done on top of a bus in London.",
he said showing her the picture.

My God!"
said Mrs. Jacobs tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well,
considering how difficult
their mother was to work with."

"She was difficult?"
she asked.

"Extremely." He said.
"I finally had to take her to Hyde Park
to get the job done right.
People were crowding around ,
4 or 5 deep, just to get a good look."

"4 or 5 deep?"
She asked.

"Yes." he said, "and for more than 3 hours too!
The mother was constantly squealing
and yelling, I could hardly concentrate.
Then, it started getting dark and
I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels started to nibble on
my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Jacobs leaned forward,
"You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,,
uh ... equipment?"

"Yes ma'am, thank God no real damage was done." he said.
"Well we'll get to work, as soon as
I set up my tripod."

"Tripod?!"
She asked.

"Of coarse. " He said,
"I need to use a tripod to rest my cannon on. It's much
too big hold while I'm getting ready for action.

Ma'am... Ma'am... Good God, she fainted!"