A Man Comes Home From Work...

Only to find his wife sitting on the porch with all of her bags packed and sitting around her.
He gets out of the car and makes his way to the porch.

"What are you doing?"
he asks.

She said,
"I'm going to Vegas where I can make $100 for what I give you for free!"

He thinks a second, nods his head, and goes inside.

The wife looks around, confused, expecting more of an argument.

A few minutes later the man comes back out to the porch
carrying two packed suitcases, and sits down next to her.

Still confused, she looks at his bags and up at him.
"Now, what are you doing?"

The man replies,
"I'm going with you to see how you can live on $200 a year."


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World's Dirtiest Song


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Just remember, if you don't like the road you are on.

It's your own asphalt

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened
upon a pile of fresh cow manure.

Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal,
she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate.

Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away.
She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground.

As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall.

She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne,
she would be able to take flight.
Unfortunately, she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor.
Dead!

The moral of the story:
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of crap!




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Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant" says Jimmy.
"A've goat everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs,
the reception, the rings, the Minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"A've even boat a kilt to be married in!"
continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in tha.
What's the tartan?"

"Och" says Jimmy
"Ah'd imagine she'll be in white!

The President of the United States, met with the
leaders and tribe members of the Indian nation.



While on stage, he said,
"The Indians have long been overlooked
and I'll make sure that your best interests are looked into!"


All the Indians shouted,
"OmPa, Mr. President, OmPa!"


He went on,
"I'll make sure that you'll have the best education money can buy!"


Again the crowd erupted,
"OmPa, Mr President, OmPa!"



After a lengthy speech the tribal elders wanted to commemorate
the day by giving him a small bull to take with him as he left.



As they were walking across the field to let him pick out his favorite bull
the Chief quickly stopped the President in his tracks, looked down and said,
"Careful Mr. President, don't step in any of that OmPa!"

My teenage daughter thinks I’m too nosy.
At least that’s what she keeps writing in her diary.


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Hearing a scream from the playroom, the mother rushed in and
found her infant son pulling the hair of his four-year-old sister.

After separating them, the mother said to her daughter,
“Don’t be upset with your brother, honey.
He didn’t know he was hurting you.”

No sooner had the mother returned to her chores than
she heard more screaming.

This time she rushed in and found the baby crying.

“Now what happened?”
she asked.

“Nothing,” said the girl,
“Except that now he knows !”


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A family who lived deep in the woods had no electricity in their home.

The wife was about to have her first child,
so the father hurried to find a doctor.

At nightfall, the doctor asked the man to bring the lantern.

After their baby girl was delivered,
the man put the lantern back on the table.

Suddenly the doctor said,
“Hurry, bring the lantern back,” 

The man complied.
Another baby girl was delivered, and
the man returned the lantern to the table.

“Quick,” said the doctor.
“Bring the light back.”

“Doc,” said the man,
“You don’t think they’re attracted to the light, do you?”


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A man and his wife attended a dinner party
at the home of their friends.

Near the end of the meal, the wife reprimanded her husband.

“That’s the third time you’ve gone for dessert,”
she scolded.
“The hostess must think you’re an
absolute pig.”

“I don’t think so,”
he said.
“I’ve been telling her it’s for you.”

And that's when the fight started




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A new bride cooked her first meal for her husband.

“My mother taught me to cook, and I can
cook two things well—apple pie and meatloaf.”

The husband took a bite of his supper and asked,
“And which one is this?”


And that's when the fight started