What do you call bears with no ears?
B

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What do dentists call X-rays?
Tooth pics.

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Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?
It had great food, but no atmosphere.

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What did one wall say to the other wall?
I’ll meet you at the corner.

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When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is apparent.

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What did the paper say to the pencil?
Write on!

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How did the bullet lose its job?
It got fired.

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Why should you never trust stairs?
They are always up to something.

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Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.

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What do you call a cheese that’s not yours?
Nacho cheese!

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Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.

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Which bird has the worst manners?
Mocking birds.

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I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

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What did the big flower say to the little flower?
Hi, bud!

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How does NASA organize a party?
They planet.

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How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh?
Ten tickles.

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What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire

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Did you hear about the magician that had chocolate in his shirt?
He had some Twix up his sleeve

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The old woman turned sadly to her friend and said,
"The spark's gone out of our marriage, Flo.
These days, in bed, I bring out the animal in Alfred.
He runs to the door, scratching and whining to get out."

**********

Old Abe was talking to his next door neighbor.

"While I was at work, my wife caught a Peeping Tom last night
just as she was getting ready for bed.
Phew! She was so angry, she beat him black and blue."

"I'm not surprised. It's a dreadful feeling to think that someone
was watching you as you got undressed."

"No, no, it wasn't that. It was when he tried to close the curtains."

**********


"Colin," she whispered, nudging him in the ribs to wake him up.
"I can hear noises downstairs, I think we've got burglars. Go and see."

But Colin refused to move.

"What's happened to you?" she hissed.
"You were brave when you married me."

"I know," he replied, "that's what all my friends said."

....and then the fight started.

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Help us choose a new name for our nonprofit.

We're teenagers in China and Japan helping senior citizens.
Apparently 'Youth in Asia for the Elderly'
isn't having the effect we thought it would !


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What do you call Australian senior citizens?
Boomer-angs

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My Nan just got this cool senior citizen scooter
And man is that thing fast.
It can do 30 aisles per hour!

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There is a new site for senior citizen dating.
Its called "I've fallen in love and I can't get up."

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What do you call it when a guy named Jerry sleeps with three senior citizens in a nursing home in one night?
A Jerry Hat Trick !

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What do call a Senior Citizen when they use a Computer?
Elder Scrolls

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What was the radioactive senior citizen's super power?
Gramma Rays.

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Senior Citizen Texting Codes

ATD - At The Doctors
BFF - Best Friend Fell
BTW - Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
GGPBL - Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMMO - Is My Hearing-Aid On
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
OMMR - On My Message Recliner
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFLACGU - Rolling On Floor Laughing and Can't Get Up
TTYL - Talk To You Louder

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Reilly is walking through a graveyard when he comes across a headstone with the inscription
“Here lies a politician and an honest man.”

‘Faith now,’ exclaims Reilly,
‘I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave.’

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Why did God invent whiskey?
So the Irish would never rule the world.


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A Spanish singer chatting on television used the word ‘manana’.

When asked what that meant, he said it means “maybe the job will be done to-morrow,
maybe the next day, maybe the day after that, next week, next month or next year.
Who cares?”

An Irishman in the conversation, Shay Brennan,
was then asked if there’s an Irish equivalent.

“No. In Ireland we don’t have a word to
describe that level of urgency.”

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I went to my nearby Pharmacy, straight to the back,
where the Pharmacists' high counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon,
and set them up on the counter.

The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and
asked if he could help me.

I said,
"Yes! Could you please taste this for me?

Seeing a senior citizen,
the Pharmacist went along with my request.

He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it,
put it on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face,
he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked:
“Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a
venomous look in his eyes yelled: "HELL NO!!!"

I said,
"Oh, thank God! That's a real relief!

My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"

I’m not allowed to go back to that Pharmacy,
but I really don't care, because they
aren't very friendly there, anymore!

An Australian goes on holiday in New Zealand and is driving around the beautiful countryside,
until he sees a New Zealand farmer having sex with a sheep in the middle of a field.
He stops the car, rolls down the window and hangs an elbow out.

He calls out to the farmer,
'You know mate, in Australia we shear them!'

The farmer yells back,
'I'm not shearing this with anyone!'


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A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.

She says to the saleswoman,
"I would like to buy pink curtains to fit my computer screen".

The surprised saleswoman replies:
"But, Madame, computers don't need curtains"!!!

And the blonde says,
"Helloooo....I've got Windows!", on my computer

A Man and a Dog Walk into a BAr

The bartender says,
"You can't bring that dog in here!"

The man says,
"But he's a special dog!"

The bartender rolls his eyes.
"Don't tell me. He talks and says 'bark' and 'roof'."

"No!," says the man.
"I give him money, tell him what I want,
and he goes to the store for me.
When he comes back, he not only has
what I told him to get, but he also has the exact change!"

"Okay," says the bartender.
"I'll give you 10 minutes to prove it before I
kick your a$$ and throw you out."

The man pulls a fifty out of his wallet and hands it to the dog,
which takes it in his mouth.
"Run across the street and get me a pack of smokes."

The dog quickly runs out of the bar and across the street.

They wait and wait.
The minutes fly by,
and when the time is up the man is
terrified he's going to get his ass kicked.

He runs out of the bar with the bartender closely behind him.

Across the street his dog is in the store's
parking lot humping a poodle.

"What the hell?!" the man yells.
"You've never done this before!"


"I've never had this much money before!"
yells the dog.