A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand.

The bartender was curious.
"How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale.
"'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely,
directly facing 12 cannons. All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartender said
"What about your hook?"

The pirate took another long swig.
"Arrrr, twas the day the British navy caught me.
They tied me to the mast, I escaped by gnawing me own hand off."

The bartender was growing skeptical.
"And how did you get that eyepatch?"

The pirate took another swig.
"Twas a mutiny. Me own crew left me marooned on a desert island.
But I had no fear. I lay down on the sand to wait to be rescued.
As i looked up, a seagull flew over and pooped in me eye."

The bartender said
"That's ridiculous, no one loses an eye from bird muck."

The pirate finished his ale in one gulp, and grimaced.
"Twas the first day with the hook."

George Carlin
TV NEWS & Al Sleet
The Hippy Dippy Weatherman







George Carlin Standup
Indian Staff Sergeant
Merv Griffin Show 1965







TAXI...Jim with Latka's
cocaine cookies






Taxi
Elegant Iggy (Jim Plays Piano)






TAXI Jim Ignatowski At His Best
+bonus (Louie The Locksmith)


****************



I’m offended by jokes about the Holocaust as my grandad died at Auschwitz.
Apparently his dog bit him on the arse and he fell out the guard tower.


****************


Oh Yeah well,

“My grandad actually destroyed over 100 zeros (a Japanese airplane) during ww2.
He was the worst mechanic in the Japanese army”


****************


I have OCD and ADD,
which means everything has to be perfect,
but not for very long.

A Computer Science student at MIT showed up at his buddies dorm room with a new bike.

His buddy said, “Sweet bike, where’d ya get it?”

“You’ll never believe this,” he said,
“I was walking across campus and this beautiful blonde on a bike stopped,
threw down her bike, tore off all her clothes and said take whatever you want!”

His buddy stared at him blankly for a minute, then said
“Smart move. Her clothes would have never fit you.”


*****************




A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it,
the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them,
grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball,
sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy,
“Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says,
“No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, WHOLE!”
says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.”
replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight.
I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

“Did you see what your monkey did now?”,
he asks.

“Now what?”,
responds the patron.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt,
then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.”
replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight,
but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”


*****************



A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him,
"Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but,
they only know how to say one thing...
they keep saying
'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *Screw us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem.
Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my
two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filth, and
your female parrots will learn to pray and worship the good Lord."

So the next day, the lady brings her two female parrots to the priest's house.

The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say,

"Hi, we're hot. Do you want to Screw us?”

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams,
"Put the bible away you idiot, our prayers have been answered!"


*****************


An elderly couple gets divorce

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says,
"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing,
forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?"
the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"
the old man says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this,
so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,"

and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man,
"You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.
Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares
Now what do we tell them for Christmas?


*****************



A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle.
He goes to a rifle shop and asks the clerk to show him a scope.

The clerk takes out a scope and says to the man,
“This scope is so good, you can see my house up on that hill.”

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

“What’s so funny?”
asks the clerk.

“I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house,”
the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house.
Then he hands two bullets to the man and says,
“Here are two bullets. I’ll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets,
shoot my wife’s head off and shoot the guy’s junk off.”

The man takes another look through the scope and says,
“You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"



********************


My girlfriend told me s3x was best on vacation.
Not the best post card I have received.

I took my 8 year old niece to the zoo last week...

..we were walking around the various cages and
enclosures when all of a sudden she yells,

“Look Uncle John! It's a frickin' Elephant!”

I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.

“What did you just call it?”
I asked.

“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!”
she said, ...

and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.



**********


I hate hotel towels....
So thick and fluffy.
I can't even close my suitcase.


**********


A horse walks into a bar.

“Hey," says the bartender.

The horse neighs excitedly and says,
“My friend, you read my mind!"


**********


Wife:
I'm going shopping, do you need anything?

Husband:
I'm looking for inner-peace and happiness, an answer to my doubts,
a sense of fulfilment, a medium through which I can transcend
consciousness and reach true spirituality, calmness and...

Wife:
Be specific; Smirnoff or Absolut?


**********



I used to sell vacuum cleaners door to door and
do demonstrations by appointment.

I had an appointment to demonstrate a machine at a home in a rural area.

The house looked rough and as I walked to the door
carrying all my demonstration equipment, a big mangy dog
with a matted eye crowded me and followed me to the house.

I rang the bell and the lady let me in and the
stupid dog followed me in. I wasn't too thrilled
about having this dog hanging around during the demonstration.

I started by taking the machine out of the box and
explaining the design, features and benefits.

It's a well rehearsed spiel I've done hundreds of times.

As I'm ready to go to the next item on the agenda,
the dog gets up and pees on the carpet just a
few feet away from me.

The moment was awkward,
the lady looked at me and I looked at her
not knowing what to do.

Without saying a word, she got up and
grabbed some paper towels from the kitchen and cleaned it up.

I continue, maybe I can salvage this sale I thought.

I took the power head out of the box and talked

about the size and the motor and

how easy it glides across the floor.

As I begin to assemble the cleaner
the dog gets up and takes a dump on the other side of the room.

Another awkward silence and she quietly gets up and cleans the mess.

I've lost the rhythm, too many interruptions,
I'm disgusted and I'm done.

While she cleaned the floor, I decided this sale was over
and started to pack up the cleaner and the accessories.

When she returned I said,
"Look, I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna sell you anything today.
But, I have to tell you, if you want to take care of your home
and your own health, you need to do something about your dog."

For the first time that night she came alive and said,
"MY DOG, I thought that was your dog!"


**********


Two guys become best friends in high school,
bonding over their similar tastes in music.

After a while, one guy notices that whenever his friend
is in a relationship, all he listens to is Liz Phair songs.
And whenever he’s single, he goes back to his normal genres.

After high school, the two enlist together.
During their first tour, the guy notices his friend is once again
seemingly obsessed with listening to Liz Phair.

But whenever they’re home on leave,
he doesn’t play a single song of hers.

Finally, the first guy’s curiosity is peaked,
and he asks his friend about the phenomenon.

“Oh yeah,” says the friend.
“You know, that’s just the rule.”

“What rule?”
asks the guy.

“You know, it’s what people always say.
All Liz Phair in love and war.”