A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth
on the front porch.

Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a
few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.

Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard
WHACK hit her husband across the shins.

His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks.

When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked,
"What'd you do that fer?"

"That's fer fifty years of bad sex,"
she said.

He nodded his head, but said nothing.

Slowly they began to rock again.
Again they kept pace. Back and forth,
back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped,
and picked up his cane.  He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK,
he hit his wife across the shins.

As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked,
"What was that fer?"

"That,"
said her husband as he began to rock again,
"is fer knowin' the difference!"



**********************************



The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband's um...
'little sailor' can't salute anymore.

She goes to her local doctor and explains the situation and
the doctor just feels plain bad for her.

The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says,
"listen, I don't do this for everyone, but, since your husband's on his way out...
Get this prescription, and put three drops in his milk before he goes to bed."

The wife is very happy and thanks the doc profusely.

Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how it went.

The lady blushes, smiles and says,
"Well, I put thirty drops in his milk by accident, and well,
we just need an antidote now to close the coffin."



**********************************


Getting the System Going Again

An 80-year-old man tells his wife,
"I'm going to the doctor to get me some of those new
Viagra pills."

His wife gets her coat on and says,
"I'm going to the doctor, too. If you're going to start using that
rusty old thing again, I'm getting a tetanus shot."



Henry's cork



"Look at me,"
an elderly Yuppie boasted to his guests at his birthday bash.
"I've aged like a fine old carefully stored wine."

"I certainly have to agree with that."
piped-up his obviously long suffering wife.
"Henry's cork's been stationary for years."




An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years,
is shocked when the woman's doctor says,
"She has a heart condition that could kill her at any time.
She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never,
ever have sex again -- the strain would be too much!"

The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules.

Both get really horny over time, however,
and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs
on the couch to guard against temptation.

This works for a few weeks, until late one night
when they meet each other on the stairs --

She's coming downstairs, he's heading up.

"Honey, I have a confession to make,
"The woman says, her voice quavering.
"I was about to commit suicide."

"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie,"
the man says,
"Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"




An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and
was greeted by a much younger salesman.

"Is there something in particular I can show you?"
he asked.

"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."

"You mean a sectional sofa,"
he suggested.

"Sectional schmectional," she bitterly retorted. 
"All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"



Q: What is the best contraceptive for old people?

A: Nudity.

When asked to describe my 'good old days', I replied,
'When I wasn't old, and I wasn't good' !



There are four stages of old age:

You forget names.
Then you forget faces.
Next, you forget to zip up.
And finally, you forget to zip down.



You know you’re getting older when you have a party
and the neighbors don’t realize it.


If my body were a car, I would trade it for a newer model.
Every time I cough, sputter, or sneeze, my radiant leaks
and my exhaust backfires.


When you’re 20 and you drop something, you pick it up.
When you’re 80 and you drop something,
you decide you don’t need it anymore.


You know you’re getting old when you can’t walk past a bathroom without thinking,
“I may as well pee while I’m here…”



The older I get,
the earlier it gets late.


You find yourself listening to talk radio.

You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

The pattern on your shorts and couch match.

You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.

You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece,
and a 20 year old girlfriend.

You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music,
forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.

You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.

You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.

When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.

When jogging is something you do to your memory.

Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

All the cars behind you flash their headlights.

You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.

You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.

You actually ASK for your father's advice.

You know how to operate a fax machine.

When someone mentions TWEETING you picture birds singing.

I'm fat but I identify as skinny,
I'm translender

********

I’ve just sold my homing pigeon for the 22nd time on EBay.

********

No, I never said I wanted you to feed me alphabet soup,
so stop putting words in my mouth!

********

If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow

********

"Chinese checkers" aren't people whose expertise lie in
observing the legitimacy of certain Asians.

********

Clark Kent didn't get into trouble as a child
because he had supervision.

********

I was kicked out from the hospital because
I told the Covid patients to stay positive.

********


A man loses his hat and decides the easiest way to get another one is to steal it.

He goes to the church cloakroom to get a hat.
A sermon about the Ten Commandments was going on.
The man pauses to listen and then changes his mind.

On nearing the exit, he runs into the pastor.

He says,
"I came here with sin in my heart.
I must say, you saved me from crime."

The pastor replies,
"That's nice to hear.
What sin were you about to commit?"

The man replies,
"I came here to steal a hat,
but your sermon made me change my mind."

The priest says,
"May I know what part of my sermon made
you see the error of your ways?"

The man replies,
"When you reached the
'Thou shalt not commit adultery' part,
I suddenly remembered where I left my hat."

As soon as she had finished convent school,
a bright young girl named Mary shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes
and made her way to New York where, before long, she became a
successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a
Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had
always attended as a child.

In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and
began asking her about her work.

She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and
he wanted to know what that meant.

She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.

She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan,
she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back flips.

Kneeling near the confessional,
waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies.

They witnessed Mary's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other,
"Jaysus, Mary & Joseph, will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out tonight,
and me without me bloomers on.