So, I'm straining on the toilet, pushing as hard as I can and then
with a colossal *POP* it goes dark.
My wife shouted "Darling, are you alright? We've had a power cut!"
I replied: "Thank God for that, I thought my eyes had exploded!"


**********



I saw a girl singing today.

She had a great voice, and an even better pair of legs, emphasized
by the short skirt she was wearing.

"Any requests?" she asked the watching crowd.

"Your thong" I replied with a wink.

Everyone gasped in horror, and the girl slapped me.
It's tough being an Elton John fan with a lisp.



**********



Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly.
So the morgue needed someone to identify the body.
His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said
"Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over.

Seamus looked and said
"Nope, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and
then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said,
"Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,
"No, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician asked,
"How can you tell?"

Sean said,
"Well, Paddy had two arse'oles."

"What? He had two arse'oles?"
asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes.
Every time we went into town, folks would say,

'Here comes Paddy with them two arse'oles....'"

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the
Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two
grim-faced RCMP 'Mounties'.

"We know it's late, sir,
but we have some information about your wife,"
said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?"
the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other.

One said,
"We have some bad news, some good news, and
some really great news..
Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said
"Give me the bad news first."

The second Mountie said,
"I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The Mountie continued,
"When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and
12 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

Stunned, the husband demanded,
"If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

The Mountie answered,
"We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."



**********


Ever wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?

Why isn't a Fireman called a Waterman?

How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?

If money doesn't grow on trees, how come Banks have branches?

If a Vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?

How do you get off a non-stop Flight?

Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO and those sent by truck SHIPMENT?

Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the Cupboard?

Why do doctors 'practice' medicine? Are they having practice at the cost of the patients?

Why is it called 'Rush Hour' when traffic moves at its slowest then?

How come Noses run and Feet smell?

Why do they call it a TV 'set' when there is only one?

What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?


If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When",
you get the answer to each of them?