A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the speed limit.
Since he was in a good mood that day, he decides to give the poor guy a break
and give him a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

“Fred,”
he replies.

“Fred what?”
the officer asks.

“Just Fred,”
the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name,
the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it.

“Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?”

The man replies,
“It’s a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Ding-a-ling.
I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time.
So I kept to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got
older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
medical school, internship, residency and finally got my degree, so I
was Fred Ding-a-ling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream. I got all the way through school and got my degree,
so I was now Fred Ding-a-ling, MD DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant.
She gave me VD.

So, I was Fred Ding-a-ling MD DDS with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS,
so I was Fred Ding-a-ling MD with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because
of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as
Fred Ding-a-ling with VD.

Then the VD took away my ding-a-ling so now
I’m just Fred.”

The officer let him go without even a warning.



**********

Twelve monks were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up naked in a garden,
while a nude model danced before them.

Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told
that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not
reached a state of spiritual purity.


The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response until
she got to the final monk.

As she danced, his bell rang so loudly, it fell off and clattered to the ground.

Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell,
and eleven other bells began to ring...



**********



A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did.

Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would
have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment
"RENT FOR APARTMENT".

On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event
was not worth the price.

So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the
apartment I was under the impression that:

1) it had never been occupied

2) that there was plenty of heat

3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home.

Last night, however,
I found it had been previously occupied,
that there was no heat,
and it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the
check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment
to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size,
but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it,
please don't blame the landlady!



**********


A ventriloquist walked up to a farmer and said,
“I’ll bet I can make your horse talk.”

Farmer:
“Horses don’t talk.”

Ventriloquist:
“Watch this. Hi, horse.
How does your master treat you?”

Horse:
“Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food,
water and he keeps me out of the sun.”

Ventriloquist:
“I’ll bet I can make your dog talk.”

Farmer:
“Dogs can’t talk.”

Ventriloquist:
“Watch this. Dog, how are you?
Does your master treat you well?”

Dog:
“Oh! He treats me well. He gives me food,
water and he plays ball with me.”

Ventriloquist:
“I’ll bet I can make your sheep talk.”
Farmer:
“Sheep, lie! Sheep, lie!”

Two wives go out for girls' night.
Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee.

They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.
One used her panties, the other grabbed a wreath off of a grave.

The next morning one husband called the other and said
"No more girls night out! My wife came back with no panties".

The other husband said
"You think that's bad? Mine came back with a card in her
crack that read, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you'!"

Three Paddies find a leprechaun, who brings them to the top of his rainbow.

“Slide down the rainbow, and shout out something, and
you’ll find it at the bottom,” he says to them.

Paddy the Englishman slides down and shouts GOLD!
and he lands in a huge pot of gold.

Paddy the Scotsman slides down and shouts SILVER!
and he lands in a huge pot of silver.

Now, Paddy the Irishman hadn’t been listening too well,
and so he got on the rainbow, began sliding,
and shouted, “WEEEEEEEE!”


**********


Paddy got a job as a lumberjack but try as he might,
he couldn’t meet his quota of fifty trees a day.

By chance, he saw an ad in a shop window for chainsaws
guaranteed to fell 60 trees a day.

So he bought one.
But the best he could manage was forty trees a day.

So he took it back to the shop and complained that there
must be something wrong with it.

“Let me look at it,”
said the man in the shop.

The man took the chainsaw and switched it on and pulled the starter cord. 
'Brrrrrrrrrr'

“What’s that noise?”
said Paddy.


**********


Paddy rode his bike to the liquor to get some whiskey.

After choosing a bottle, he walked out to his bike.

He was just about to put the bottle in the basket on his
bike for the ride home, but then he thought if it falls off, it might break.

So he drank it first…
which turned out to be an excellent decision
because he fell off seven times on the way home.


**********



Paddy was at the airport and was stopped by customs.

Customs:
"What have you got in those two sacks on your shoulders?"

Paddy:
"Oh just a lot of mobile phones."

Customs:
"So why so many mobile phones?"

Paddy:
Well on my travels I had a call from my mate Mick,
He told me that he was starting up a Jazz Band,
and could I bring him back two Saxophones.


**********


Paddy and Mick were out walking.

Paddy:
"Look at that flock of cows!"

Mick:
"Herd of cows you daft b@stard!"

Paddy:
"Course I've heard of cows,
there's a friggin' flock of them over there.


**********



Our workmate Paddy died last week,
so we had a special headstone made for him.

PADDY O'SPARKS.

Amateur Electrician.
Green To Earth.
Brown To Live.
Blue To Frikkin' Bits.

REST IN PIECES...




**********


I was happily watching The Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra last night,
when suddenly, the guy on the triangle disappeared!


**********


A businessman staying at the Ritz hotel in London takes a card,
offering sexual services from a phone box.

Back at the hotel he rings the number.
A lady with a silky soft voice asks if she can be of any help.

The man says
"I'd like some mild bondage, some oral and then some straight sex.
Is that okay?"

The lady replies
"Sounds fun sir, but you might like to dial 9 for an outside line first"