My G-Paw had one of those... But it was a weather stick

*******


Once upon a time, there lived a king
who was only 12 inches tall.

He was a terrible King,

but he made a great ruler.


**********


When one door closes and another door opens,
you are probably in prison.

I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.

When I say,
“The other day,”
I could be referring to any time between
yesterday and 15 years ago.

When I say
"Back in the day,"
I'm admitting I don't remember the nights!

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back,
as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.


**********


The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night,
apparently with a massive heart attack.

The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally
discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues.

In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says,
"Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the
heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to
send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do
any physical exercise that you like."

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife:
"Doris, you'll never believe it, I'm completely well. I have no worries with
my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've
never had before, wild, passionate sex....you'll love it!"

Doris thinks for a minute and says,
"I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions.
I don't want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love.
Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that
everything was OK... maybe I would have such sex with you...."

Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in
his doctor's office; his doctor tells him,

"Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note.
Let's see, here's my prescription pad:

"Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function
of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate,
adventurous sex any time that he so desires,
signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.......

Now, I'll just address this.......
By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?"

"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that,
'To Whom It May Concern"?


**********


What's the difference between a rib eye steak and a meteorite?
One's pretty meaty and the others are a little meteor.


----------------


On Sunday I stuck my hand into a feather pillow and had a rummage around.
I did the same on Monday and Tuesday. This morning I went to my
therapist and told him I'd been feeling down for a few days.


-----------------


What do you get when you cross human dna with goat dna?
You get kicked the hell out of the petting zoo.