Old man sitting on a porch when he sees
a young man walk by dragging something behind him.

Old man says what you got there and
the young man replies
"Chicken wire."

Old man asks
"What are you doing with chicken wire?"

Young man replies
"I'm going to catch me some chickens."

The old man laughs and says
"You ain't catching no chickens
with chicken wire."

Sure enough later that evening the young
man walks by with a mess of chickens all caught
in the chicken wire.

Next day, old man sitting on his porch when the
young man comes walking by
dragging something behind him.

Old man says
"What you got there?"

And the young man replies
"Duct tape."

Old man again asks
"What are you doing with duct tape?"

Young man replies
"I'm going to catch me some ducks."

The old man laughs and says
"You ain't catching no ducks with duct tape."

Sure enough later that evening the young
man walks back with a mess of ducks all
wrapped up in the duct tape.

Third day, old man sitting on his porch
when the young man again comes walking
by dragging something behind him.

Old man says
"What you got there?"

And the young man replies
"Pu$$y willows."

"Old man says
"Wait up let me get my hat."


*****



What's the difference between a rib eye steak and a meteorite?
One's pretty meaty and the others are a little meteor.

----------------

On Sunday I stuck my hand into a feather pillow
and rummaged around a little.

I did the same on Monday and Tuesday.

This morning I went to my therapist and told him
I'd been feeling down for a few days.

-----------------

What do you get when you cross human dna with goat dna?
You get kicked the hell out of the petting zoo.

-----------------


Girlfriend:
"Wanna see a magic trick?"

Boyfriend:
"Sure, babe."

Girlfriend:
"BAM! You're single."

-----------------

Do you know how to tell if your boyfriend is getting fat?
He can wear your husbands clothes...


-----------------


What is the difference between a sofa and
a boyfriend watching Monday Night Football?

The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.


-----------------


While the Daughter is getting ready for her Date,
the Dad says to the Boyfriend

"What's the first thing you feel when you stick your
hands down a girls pants?"

The boyfriend shrugs I don't know ...

Dad slaps the boyfriends face hard and says,
"That!"


***********************

Early Morning Thoughts


I was thinking...
"What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?'

The answer came to me...
.'After a year the dog is still excited to see you.'

*****


What is the difference between a battery and a man?

The answer came to me...
'A battery has a positive side.'

*****


Among retirees, what is considered formal attire ?

The answer came to me...
'Tied shoes.'

*****


Does a proud self-confident Canadian have a type eh personality ?

*****


There's only two ways to do something. 
The right way, and again.

*****


The government's first priority should always be to their own nation,
not the flavor of the month political opinion.   

That's what they exist for.

*****


Some days it's just not worth chewing through the restraints.......

*****


I was taught to always respect my elders.
It's just getting harder to find them.

*****


Considering some of today's families,
It's no wonder some parent's eat their young!

*****


Yawning...
The human equivalent of low battery warning.

*****


My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex
but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.

*****

A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air.
A psychotic is the man who lives in it.
A psychiatrist is the man who collects the rent.

*****


My wife and I had words,
but I didn't get to use mine.

*****


God made man before woman
so as to give him time to think of an
answer for her first question.

*****


Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

*****


I'm so poor, I can't even pay attention.


*****



Common Sense,
is a flower that doesn't grow in everyone's garden.

*****

I've been diagnosed with a severe case of flatulence. 
I won't be suffering in silence though.

*****


Apparently there's gonna be a remake of the film...

The Never Ending Story. 

It starts off where a man asks a
woman how her day went!!

*****







*****






*****

It's all in the Way You Say Things

A Chinese woman walked into the currency exchange in New York
with 200,000 Yuan and walked out with $29,100.

The following week, she walked in with another 200,000 Yuan,
and was handed $28,900.

She asked the teller,
"Why I get less money this week than last week?"

The teller replied "Fluctuations".

The Chinese woman stormed out and,
before she slammed the door, turned around and shouted
"Fluc you Amelicans, too!"


**********

Retirement


Retirement is the beginning of the time when you can sit back
and give advice to others, even though you
never followed it in your own life.


Old age, fragile bones, doctor visits, medical checkups and a weak bladder –
are you still looking forward to retirement?


The funny thing about retirement is that it makes you realize
the importance of medical insurance.


Remember all those things that you wanted to do in your life,
but didn’t because you never had the time?
Don’t plan on doing them after your retirement either –
you will either be too old or too poor to afford them now.


Congratulations for gaining two new best friends upon your retirement.
Their names are Bed and Couch.
You will be hanging out with them a lot.


Doing the things you always wanted to do is not the real challenge of retirement.
Remembering them is the real challenge.


Until now, when you slacked at work your boss shouted at you.
Now when you slack at household chores, your wife will shout at you.
Happy retirement.


Consider yourself officially and truly retired on the day
you don’t feel like changing your underwear.


Retirement marks the transition from working under one boss
to a new one called WIFE.


Being retired is the only time in your life when you won’t mind
if you don’t get a holiday.

Consider this an extended vacation that never ends…
Only you don’t get paid days off.


I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work.
So I do it three or four times a day.


**********

Hearing Problems?

An old fella had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted
for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and
the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect.Your family must be
really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied,
"Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!"


**********


Deep Thoughts



What if your dog realized you contain loads of bones?

The first parents ever to have identical twins must
have been really confused.

The Titanic’s sinking was a true miracle to the lobsters
in the kitchens.

When you clap, you hit yourself repeatedly because you like it.

I wonder what name my dog would choose for me.

Our stomachs believe all potatoes are mashed potatoes.

Does my dog take me for a hypocrite because
I crap in the house?

The outer Space is really just an hour away, I wonder if my
Toyota could make it straight up.

How come caretaker and caregiver describe the same person?

When you rob a bank, you can stop worrying about
rent/food bills for several years –
regardless of whether you get caught or not.

Chances are, good looking nurses and doctors never get
accurate blood pressure level readings from their patients
of the opposite gender.
(Tried to ask my new nurse about this, but I was breathing
too hard.)

A spider builds its home from its body products.
If a human wanted to achieve the same, they’d literally
have to crap bricks.

Babysitters are teenagers who behave like grown-ups
so that grown-ups can go out and behave like teenagers.

“Where are you?”
is a question that’s never been asked in sign language.


My lips don't touch when I say the word 'touch'.
My lips do touch when I say the word 'separate'.
(You're checking aren't you)

No-one has ever been in an empty room.

I myself have never been to
India, China or Bangladesh.
But roughly 70 percent of all my belongings have.

It is impossible to dig half of a hole.

If you were born butt first, there was a brief moment
when you wore your mom as a hat.


**********


The Old Sage

There once was a wise old man in a village.

Old beyond memory, he channeled the knowledge of nature
and the divine for his fellow townsfolk.

Many came to him with questions, until one day he took
a vow of silence, shuttering his open door.

Instead, he turned to his untended field.

He would work the land, pushing his own plough, forgoing a horse.

After years in silence, his hands grown tough from seasons of sowing,
his old bones gave out.

He collapsed in silence in his field, before eventually being found
by the townsfolk.

He was quickly brought by the townsfolk to the local doctor.

The townsfolk held their breath as they left him alone with the
wise old man, hoping that he would be able to help a mute.

A few moments later, the doctor emerged from the house,
grabbing a small section of cloth, tearing it up, and inserting it in each nostril.

The townsfolk, concerned, asked what was wrong.

The doctor replied,
"The super calloused fragile mystic reeks of halitosis!"

There was an old man who lived by a forest.

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair,
until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald.

That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent,
but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But
look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so
many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and
this forest will look as bald as my head."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued.
"Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one
in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same.
It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one,
and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and
pretty as it once was, all because of one man
and his re-seeding heirline.



*********



An old woman who’d been living on her own for many years was burgled one night.

They tied her up, ransacked the house and were just about to leave when
the boss turned to his accomplices and said,
“Wait outside, I reckon I’ll just give her something to remember me by.”

“Oh, come on, boss,” whined the others.
“Let’s just get out of here before there’s any trouble.”

Hearing this, the old woman interrupted.
“Now hold on, don’t you think you ought to leave it to the
boss to decide what to do?”


**********



As part of the preparations before surgery, an older woman went to see
her doctor and get all her charts.

The doctor asked her how she was doing,
so she gave him the litany of complaints—
this hurts, that’s stiff,
I’m tired and slower, she reported.

The doctor responded with,
“Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating.
After all, who wants to live to 100?”

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied,
“Anyone who’s 99.”


**********


A Few More Deep Thoughts


If you step on someone’s foot,
they open their mouth – just like a garbage bin.

Pregnant women are the only true body builders.

Shouldn’t a photographer who specializes in taking photos
of school classes be actually called a school shooter?

Why do people duck when it rains?
Do they think they will get less wet?

Searching for a new laptop online is basically
forcing your current computer to dig its own grave.

What if the spider I killed in my bedroom lived his whole life thinking
I was his roommate and died wondering
what brought on this psychotic break?

Why the hell is there an S in the word ‘lisp’?!

There are two kinds of people.
Some wash their dishes because they just ate;
the others wash their dishes because they are just about to eat.

Interesting, isn’t it, that
"take out" refers to food, romantic dating, and assassination.

My head is very slowly 3D printing my hair.

Sweater is a pretty disgusting name for a piece of clothing. 

I and Bill Gates have a combined fortune of approximately 80 billion dollars.

How does the non-stick coating stick to the pan?!

If you’re waiting to be served in a restaurant,
shouldn’t you be called the waiter?

It would be very nice if the car navigation voice would get more
and more excited as you'd get closer to your destination.

The goal of golf is to play as little golf as possible.

Are those who sneeze the most blessed?

Has a giraffe ever smelled its own f@rt?

Is a paper cut the tree’s way of getting back at you?

I wonder what dirty talk looks like in sign language. 

When a pregnant woman takes a bath,
she’s become a human submarine.

When you go to sleep at 4 am,
is it going to bed late or early?

If snails are so slow,
how come nobody sees them coming?
It’s always like bam,!  There’s a snail.

She Just Wouldn't Take No For an Answer


I was riding down a country road on a sunny day on my Harley,
when a car came around a bend in the road at high speed.
The only thing I could do to save being hit head on was to steer for
the ditch that ran alongside the road.

When I shook the fuzz from my head, a woman was
bending over me asking was I alright.

I replied, "I think so",

Then she went on,
"Look I'm a nurse and I live just down the road,
let me take you home and patch you up,
it's the least I could do."

I tried to tell her I was ok and I had better get back to my bike
and also, my wife would be wondering where I was.

"Nonsense," she said,
"No arguments now, in the car you go. "

I was feeling a bit unsteady on my feet,
so I though that perhaps a bit of medical
attention would be ok.

We arrived at the Nurses house and she started undressing me
to check on any wounds I might have, There were several areas
already starting to turn black & blue, and there were a couple
of nasty looking abrasions that needed cleaning up.

I thought she brushed up against me quite a lot and she fussed
around me with a good deal of enthusiasm.

She began cleaning me up and all the while trying to assure me
I would be ok.

After quite a while of fussing around me the nurse said,
"Look, I have a roast dinner in the oven and my guests won't be coming over now,
would you like to stay for dinner with me ?"

I began to protest once more that I had better get back to my wife
as she would be getting worried by now.

"Look", the nurse said,
"I can make a couple of phone calls for you and assure your wife that you
will be home in the morning after a good hot dinner, and
a lovely full body massage before sleeping in a large, soft bed.

"By the way," said the nurse,
"Where is your wife, perhaps I could give her a call now."

"Won't do you any good"
"I said, "she is most likely still lying in the ditch back
with the bike, and I have the only mobile phone between us"