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Humorous Smilies - Printable Version

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RE: Humorous Smilies - willie33 - 10-29-2015

[Image: lolcatz2_by_ameme_jones.jpg]

RE: Humorous Smilies - Popster - 11-01-2015

Here's couple more from the street artist........he definitely can make one smile......

   

   

   

RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 11-02-2015

That dude is freakin awesome!!... You know I can't even draw two stick figures that look similar! ...

Ice
A hunter walking through the jungle was surprised to find a pygmy standing beside a
very large dead beast...

Amazed, he asked, "Did you kill that?"

The pygmy answered, "Yes."

The hunter then asked, "How could a little
bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"

The pygmy said, "I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked, "How big is
your club?"

The pygmy replied, "There's about 60 of us."
Kids Say the Darndest Thingz

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.

After a while he asked: "Mom why have you
got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how
old she was.
Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more.

Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his
Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and
wanted a pain killer.

She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.

Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked:
"How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups.

"Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young
couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom
looking worried. When his Mom asked
what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't
know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible
story..

His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."

Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew.

Tammy looked at her for a while and then
asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget....

This particular Sunday sermon...

"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..."

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in
her shrill little four year old girl voice asked,

"Mom, what is butt dust?"
Who Can't Sell Bibles?

While checking the church storeroom, the
pastor discovered several cases of new Bibles that never had been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise money for the church.

Jack, Paul, and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie, a local farmer who always had kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.

Poor Louie stuttered badly.

But because he didn't want to discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the backseats of their cars stacked with Bibles.
He asked them to meet with him and report
the results of their efforts the following
Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" the minister said, vigorously
shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine
salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, he said, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest,
confidently replied, "I am a professional
salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the
church, and here's the $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely
splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional
salesman and the church is also indebted to
you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie
and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell
any Bibles last week?"

Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. "Louie, there's $3,200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door-to-door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded.

"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said
in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could!"

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister
agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you
managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-re-really do-do-
do-don't kn-kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-
sure," he stammered. "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-s-
said wa-wa-wa-was 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-
you l-l-l-like t-t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-
Bible f-f-f-for t-t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks o-o-o-or wo- wo-wo-would yo-yo-yo-you j-j-j-just l-l-l-like m-
m-m-me t-t-t-to st-st-st-stand h-h-h-here and
r-r-r-read it t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?'"


case closed....

RE: Humorous Smilies - Popster - 11-02-2015

"Butt Dust"......I've seen thatSmile

Ice.........Since you get a kick outta them there dusty chalk drawings ....here's the final 3:
Darn good stuffSmile


   

   

   

RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 11-02-2015

I could look at that art all day long... That guy has a fantastic talent!

Thanks for sharing those Pops....

Ice

RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 11-02-2015

Two strangers, a man and a woman, find
themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing a room, they are tired and fall asleep quickly he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1 A.M., the man leans over and gently wakes the woman and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," the woman replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Now, get your own damn blanket!"

RE: Humorous Smilies - Linville - 11-03-2015

Ice, that is so funny.

==========on another thought=======

[Image: tumblr_mo3wejlnFy1qfk87to2_500.gif]

RE: Humorous Smilies - Linville - 11-03-2015

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[Image: tumblr_n5hry8y7z71qawbj4o1_1280.jpg]
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Bonus Image, I mean doesn't this just make you smile knowing what this guy is capable of ?


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[Image: tumblr_nv30l7Vyk61tlcyvto1_1280.jpg]

RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 11-03-2015

A man goes into his son's room to wish him
goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is
OK?

The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.

The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his
son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is
having another nightmare - the man again
wakes his son. The son this time says that
he had dreamt that granddaddy had died.

The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.

The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his
son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is
having another nightmare - the man again
wakes his son.

The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.

The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.

The next day, the man is scared for his life-
he is sure is going to die.

After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision.

He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning.

He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed.

He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"

She responds, "You think your day was bad,
the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep
this morning!!"
The Robbery

On Friday, a hooded robber burst into a bank and, at gunpoint, forced the tellers to load their cash into a plain brown bag.

As the robber approached the door, one brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face.

Without a moment's hesitation, the robber shot the customer.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.

The robber instantly shot and killed her also.

Everyone in the bank, by now horrified,
stared down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There was a long moment of dead silence in which everyone was terrified to speak.

Then, one old Australian named Bernie
cautiously raised his hand and said,

"My wife got a pretty good look at you!!!!."

RE: Humorous Smilies - willie33 - 11-03-2015

[Image: 25-Best-Funny-Minion-Quotes-On-The-Internet-5702-5.jpg]