St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight.
It reaches the green.

Jesus is up next.

He slices it.
It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street.
Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and
into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a Lilly pad
at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth.
An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog.
As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball.
It’s in the hole.

Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated.
'Are you gonna play golf?' he asks
'Or are you just gonna fool around?'


*****************************

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence:
he’s allowed to say two words every seven years.

After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask
for his two words.

'Cold floors,' he says.

They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.

They bring him back in and ask for his two words.

He clears his throats and says,
'Bad food.'

They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.

They bring him in for his two words.

'I quit,' he says.

'That’s not surprising,' the elders say.
'You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.'


*****************************

There was a man who couldn’t stand his wife’s cat.
So, one day, he decided to get rid of him by dumping
him a long way away from the house.

He put the cat in the car and drove about 20 blocks away,
then he left him at the park.

But when he got home, the cat was there as if nothing had happened.

The next day he decided to take the cat somewhere further away,
about 50 blocks. He put him out of the car and drove home.

And again, the cat was there waiting for him.

‘This is impossible,’ said the man to himself.
‘tomorrow I’ll make sure he can’t come back!’

The next day he puts the cat in the car and he drives around,
taking turn after turn – right, left, right, right and so on.
Eventually, after about an hour of driving, he finally lets the cat out
and drives home.

A few hours later, the phone rings at his house and his wife answers it.

It’s the husband, and he asks:
“Is the cat there?”

“Why, yes.” says the wife,
“he’s been here quite a while, where are you?”

“Please put him on the phone,
I’m lost and I need directions.”



*****************************

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in
Northern Arizona when she saw an Elderly Native American Woman
walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and
asked the woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of
small talk with the woman.

The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail, until
she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

‘What in bag?’ asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said,
‘It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.’

The woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said, ‘Good trade.’



*****************************

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an
experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them
to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing
on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, 'Let's get off the corner.'

No one moved, so he barked again, 'Let's get off the corner!'

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled
glances in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his
partner and asked, 'Well, how did I do?'

'Pretty good,' replied the veteran,
'especially since this is a bus stop.'



*****************************

A tourist climbed out of his hire-car in downtown Washington, D.C.

He was intent on visiting the White House and take in the city’s other
world-famous sights, but he felt hungry so he decided to pop into a
store to buy himself a snack.

As he pulled up to the curb outside the store, he saw a well-to-do man
standing on the sidewalk.

He said to him: “Listen, I’m going to be only a couple of minutes.
Would you watch my car while I run into this store?”

“What?” the man huffed. “Do you realize that I am a member
of the United States Senate?”

“Well no,” the tourist said, “I didn’t realize that.
But it’s all right. I’ll trust you anyway.”

What (Teachers) really say about issues w/ parents that
have to “homeschool”due to school closures!

Doctors:

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.z
© Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services.


Now think about this:


Guns:

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
© The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188

Statistics courtesy of FBI

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than
gun owners.

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT
Almost everyone has at least one doctor.

This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a
doctor as by a gun owner!
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors
before this gets completely out of hand!


Out of concern for the public at large, we withheld the statistics on Lawyers:
for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!



***************************


Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died,
a man who lived far away called his Blonde brother and
told him, 'Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill.'

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid.
The next month, he got another bill for $200.00,
which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

But when the $200.00 bills kept arriving every month,
he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.

'Well,' said the Blonde brother, 'you said to do something
nice for Uncle Charlie.
So I rented him a tuxedo.'


****************************

How accurate is this?

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people
who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people
who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people
who think they should run the country, and
who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they
ought to run the country but don't really understand
The New York Times.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who
wouldn't mind running the country, if they could
find the time and if they didn't have to leave
Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents
used to run the country.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who
aren't too sure who's running the country and don't
really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care
who is running the country as long as they do something
really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Chicago Tribune is read by people who are in prison,
who used to run the state, and would like to do so again,
as would their constituents who are currently free on bail.

10 The Miami Herald is read by people who are running
another country, but need the baseball scores.

11 The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who
aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it;
but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are
occasional exceptions if the leaders are gay, handicapped,
minority, feminist, atheists, and those who also happen to be
illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of
course, that they are not Republicans.

12 The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line
at the grocery store.

13 The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently
caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.

***************************



Donald is walking out of the White House and heading toward his
limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts 'Mickey Mouse!'

This startles the would-be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside
and asks, 'What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?'

Blushing, the agent replies, 'I got nervous.
I meant to shout 'Donald, Duck!'



*****************************


This example shows the importance of accuracy when
submitting your tax return. The IRS returned the Tax Return
submitted by a New York City man implying that he answered
one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question,
'List your dependents”, you wrote:

'12.1 million illegal immigrants,
1.1 million crack-heads,
4.4 million unemployed deadbeats,
80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons,
at least 450 idiots in Congress and
those who call themselves Politicians.'

The IRS responded that “This is unacceptable!”

The man's response to the IRS was:
'Who did I leave out?'


********************************


For a couple years I ‘ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and
too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the
real reason:

I’m tired because I’m overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school,

which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the
federal government,

leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces,

which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who
work for State and City Governments and

that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals,

leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you’re sitting at your computer
reading jokes.

What (teachers) really say about
student names while calling roll! {PT 1}
Eddie B Comedy



What (Teachers) really say
while calling roll {pt.2}
Eddie B Comedy



What Teachers really say
while calling roll {pt.3}
Eddie B Comedy




Little Girl What you Gonna Do to That Monster
I'm Gonna Kick His Ass
Soroosh Snake

Letter From a Farm Kid at Camp Pendleton,
Marine Corps Recruit Training


Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and
Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for
old man Minch by a mile.

Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till
nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot
and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix,
wood to split, fire to lay... practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it's not so bad...
there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal,
eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes,
ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food,
but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two
city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds
you 'til noon when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are
long walks to harden us.
If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.

A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home.
Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a
school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board.
Majors and colonels just ride around and frown.

They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.

I keep getting medals for shooting!
I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head
and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the
Higgett boys at home.
All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.
You don't even load your own cartridges.

They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.
You get to wrestle with them city boys.
I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.
It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.
I'm about the best they got in this except for that
Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once.
He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and
130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before
other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.

Your loving daughter,
Tammy Bethann



********************************


Combat for Dummies


Advice and instructions taken from actual military sources.

'When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.' --
U.S. Marine Corps

'Aim towards the enemy.' --
Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' --
Infantry Journal

'A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher
fire when you least expect it. That would make you
quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.' --
Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the
area you just bombed.' --
U.S. Air Force manual

'Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be
low on ammo.' --
Infantry Journal

'Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate.
The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.' --
USAF Ammo Troop

'Tracers work both ways.' --
U.S. Army Ordnance

'Five-second fuses only last three seconds.' --
Infantry Journal

'If your attack is going too well, you're walking
into an ambush.' --
Infantry Journal

'No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.' --
Unknown

'Any ship can be a minesweeper....once.' --
Anon

'If you see a bomb technician running,
try to keep up with him.' --
USAF Ammo Troop

'Never tell the platoon sergeant you
have nothing to do.' --
Unknown Marine Recruit

'Don't draw fire;
it irritates the people around you.' --
Infantry Journal

'Bravery is being the only one who
knows you're afraid.' --
David Hackworth



******************************


The Truth About Nutrition


Here is the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting medical studies.

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than do the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and
fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:::

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently
what kills you.