A little girl was given a tea set for her second birthday.

It became one of her favorite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for
her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really,
while he was engrossed watching the news on TV.

He sipped each "cup of tea" he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste,
leaving the little girl immensely proud.

Eventually the mother returned home and the
father couldn't wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him.

On cue, the girl took him his "cup of tea" and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens.

The mother watched him drink it and said:

"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water
is the toilet?"


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Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired, arrive on scene.

After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her
freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone.

"Hello, Sarge" "Yes" "It looks like we have a homicide here".

"What happened?"

"A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped".

"Have you placed her under arrest?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet".


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My grandfather was trying to give up smoking,
so to help him along.

I secretly soaked one of his cigarettes in gasoline.

I think he appreciated my effort,
judging by the way his face lit up.


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I was waiting to use an ATM.

This guy in front of me was pounding away at the keypad.
Funny thing was, in between pounding the keys he was
balancing on one leg.

First the left, then the right. Just like a flamingo.

This went on for some time. I said, "Hey fella, What the heck are you doing?"

He said "Sorry buddy, I'm just checking my balance".


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"I wish I had a smaller bum" my wife grumbled.
"Do you wish I had a smaller bum?"

I peered over the top of the paper. "No, not really" I told her.

"Aww, you're sweet" she gushed. "Is it because you love my
bum the way it is?"

"No, not really" I replied. "It's because it'd look
damn ridiculous with legs that size attached to it".

And that,s when the fight started


***************************************************


Doug asks "I know you're crazy about that little daughter of yours, Bill.
What are you going to do when she starts to date?"

Bill says "I figure I'll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder,
and pull him close to me so that only he can hear. Then I'll say "Do you see that sweet,
little young lady? She's my only daughter, and I love her very much.
If you were thinking about touching, kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any way,
just remember... I don't mind going back to prison".


***************************************************

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work
so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.


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A man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland.

He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him,
"Hey, Where am I ?"

The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back "You can't fool me.
You're in that basket up there".