little old man its a great day to whoop somebodys ass





Willie Nelson - Ain't Goin' Down On Brokeback Mountain





Granny Irene Ryan Sings W-O-M-A-N

One day at school, the teacher was going around the class and
asking her students what their dads did for a living.

When it was little Johnny's turn he stood up and said,
"My dad is a stripper in a gay bar and turns tricks in the alley
to make extra money."

She was shocked.

So when class let out she just had to speak to little Johnny.

She asked, "Is it really true what you said your dad does for a job?"

He said, "No... He really works for CNN, I was just too embarrassed to tell anybody."


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Two blondes walked into a wall...

You'd think at least one of them would have seen it


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Two executives were deep in a Highland forest, on an adventure
weekend arranged by their firm.

Neither had any real map-reading skills and they became separated
from the other members of their team.

All they knew was that the final rendezvous point was a
remote pub called, 'The Wee Stump Inn.'

They trudged through the woods for hours, hopelessly lost until they
came to what looked like a fork in the forestry trail.

They couldn't agree on which path to take.
Eventually, they decided to take one path each.
They shook hands, and resolved that the last man back to the
pub would pay for the drinks.


Four hours later, the man that chose the correct fork
was sitting at the pub fireside, enjoying his pint,
when his friend  staggered in.

He was cut, bleeding, battered and bruised as if he had been
mugged by a rugby team. 

Once the men in the pub got the man settled, he explained,
"I must have gone around in circles for hours, until I heard the sound of an idling car engine.
I headed toward the sound and found a car in a clearing at the end of what looked like a 'lovers lane'.

The car was all steamed up and I couldn't see who was inside,
but I could hear more than one voice.
So, I thought that I could ask for directions and I knocked on the driver's window.

Now, the man in the car must have been a complete psychopath,
because as soon as I asked him,

'How far is the Wee Stump Inn?'

he jumped out of the car and beat the hell out of me!"


*********************************************************

There were three explorers, hiking through what is now known as Canada.

"You know," said one of the explorers,
"We should name this place we're hiking through."

"I know," said the second explorer.
"We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that."

"Okay," said the third,

The first explorer "I'll go first. C, eh."

The second explorer."N, eh."

The third explorer "D, eh."

And that's how they named Canada...

....sorta...


*********************************************************


Simon and Jason are playing golf at their favorite course,
but on every hole, they are being held up by a two-ball of
women who are always half a hole ahead.


The women are great golfers, but they are playing terribly slow.

Finally, after watching the women in the distance as they stood
over their putts for what seemed like an eternity,
Jason decided to do something.

"I'll walk ahead and ask them if we can play through" Jason said.

He set off down the fairway, walking towards the women.
But when he got halfway, he stopped, turned around and
headed back to where Simon waited.



"Can't do it" Jason said, sounding mighty embarrassed.
"One of them is my wife and the other is my mistress!"


"Okay" Simon said with understanding. "Then I'll go ask them".


Simon started up the fairway, only to stop halfway and turn back.


"What's wrong?" Jason asked when Simon got back.

To which Simon could only reply:

"Small world, isn't it!?"


*********************************************************


An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic.
It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet,

when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus
and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio:

"Airbus flight, boring flight isn't it? Take care and have a look here!

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates,
breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height,
only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive.

He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"

The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens.

It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed.

After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed,

"Well, what are you saying now?"

The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?"

The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs,
went to the back of the flight to the toilet,
got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and
made an appointment with the stewardess for the
next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel,

which is paid for by my employer.'


The moral of the story is:

When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great.

But as you get older and wiser, 
comfort and peace are not to be despised either.

This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter.


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