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Humorous Smilies - Printable Version

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RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 12-21-2018

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A very large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink..?"

Once again, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said "Give the ballerina another drink..!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said "Tell me, George, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina..?"

The drunk replied "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"


**************************************************


A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck" the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks" says the little boy.

As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner" the fire fighter says "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster".

The little boy says "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren".

RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 12-22-2018

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Paddy is planning to marry, and asks his family doctor how he Could tell if his bride-to—be is still a Virgin.
His doctor says. "Aye. Paddy. all Irish men use three things for what we call a Do—It—Yourself Virginity Test Kit.
A small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel.
Paddy asks "Aye,and what do I do with these things doctor?"
The doctor replies. "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and

the other ball blue.
If she says. "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...".
You hit her with the shovel!"

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If a dentist makes money off people with bad teeth,
then why would I  buy toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentist recommend?

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A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot.

"Could you give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man said "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg".

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Sure will".

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips?"

"Yep" said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw".

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"You bet it will" said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it".

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No" said the old-timer "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all".

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No" said the old-timer "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun right up where the sun don't shine, and it won't hurt half as much".

RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 12-23-2018

Woman to Pharmacist: "Do you sell Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, we do."

Woman: "Can you get it over the counter?"

Pharmacist: "I can, if I take two!"

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Two men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter.

He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10-inch-long BIC lighter.

Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"

The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie".

The first man asks "Can I make a wish?"

"Sure" says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"

"Okay I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants.

The man says "I want a MILLION BUCKS!"

The genie says "OK" and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly overhead.

The guy says to the other "Your genie really sucks at hearing doesn't he?"

The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10-inch BIC?"

*******************************************************

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of a parochial school in a very advanced state of agitation.

"Father!" she cried, "just wait until you hear this!"

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?"

"Well, Father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"

"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.

"But that's not what has me so excited, Father," replied the nun, "it was what they were wagering on!

They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!"

"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"

"Well, I hit the ceiling, father."

The priest surprised, asked, "How much did you win?"

******************************************************


'OLD' IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer,  'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...... 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN... An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND


'OLD' IS WHEN... You are not sure these are jokes?

RE: Humorous Smilies - willie33 - 12-23-2018

Those were hilarious...Big Grin

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RE: Humorous Smilies - willie33 - 12-23-2018

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RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 12-23-2018

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RE: Humorous Smilies - Charon - 12-24-2018

wonderful. A round of ratings all around.

RE: Humorous Smilies - willie33 - 12-29-2018

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RE: Humorous Smilies - willie33 - 12-29-2018

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RE: Humorous Smilies - Charon - 12-30-2018